Soundtrack of life

I'm a huge fan of music. It takes incredible restraint on a weekly basis on my part not to have ever-growing stacks of CDs everywhere. Trust me.

Today I pulled out some oldies... Phil Collins (Serious Hits: Live), Take That (British boy band from the 90's - Robbie Williams being the most famous member) and the Earth Tones (a little known Canadian group who operated out of Calgary briefly).

It is then I realized I had grabbed a handful of CDs that I purchased when I was dating Richard.

I was busy celebrating my new found independence and for the first time in a long time I bought what I wanted with my own money. I think I averaged one or two CD's a week!

As I've listened to them a million memories have floated to the surface of my brain...

Driving around in Medicine Hat with Richard so I could practice for my driver's liscense.

Spending afternoons walking through Police Point Park (later decimated by the flood).

Lounging and laughing over specialty coffees at Cafe Mundo. (Starbucks before there was Starbucks).

Richard tossing me headfirst into a high-power sprinkler at a city park at night. It would have hurt if we hadn't been laughing so hard.

Walking, lots of walking, to various dates... to shop, hang out, or go to movies.

Seafood lasagna at BPs (and the flirty waitress!).

There's the time I stole a display shoe from Richard's work to display at my work. Richard and his coworkers never notice, but a customer did. He wanted to buy their shoe from my store. So rather red-faced, I had to explain he needed to go to Forzanis for that one. (I'm sure my District Manager would have been impressed...)

There's another time when we threatened my teenage cousin with a serious beating if he left the house while we were at the movies because he was grounded. We even joked about phoning him every ten minutes.

When we got to the theatre and realized the show we wanted to see was sold out, we grabbed a quick coffee and returned home. Upon return we found him gone! You should have seen his face when he walked in an hour later.

His excuse? He needed to take something to a friend's house, because his friend was grounded and couldn't leave the house. Oh the logic of a teenage mind!

There were trips to Echodale and every museum and art gallery we could find.

Isn't lovely how a group of songs can transport you back in time? It's wonderful.

Listening to: How Deep is Your Love, Take That.
Pending Assignments: 1

The morning after

A bubble bath and a good cry can do wonders for a woman's soul.

Last night it did squat.

I came out of the tub just as sad, confused and frustrated as when I went in.

I tried praying, but my words kept being interrupted by sobbing. In truth I had no idea what to pray.

And on today of all days this isn't the headline I wanted to see on the front page of the SP.

It has driven home the point: I don't think we'll be getting a house. I just do not believe it is possible.

I do believe God is trying to tell us something and I think ten months of rejected offers and missed opportunities is enough to finally get it. We're not getting a house.

Please don't email with rah-rah speeches about God having a plan, about no situation being hopeless, about him listening and answering prayers.

God does answer prayers. Just not these ones.

God does help in hopeless situations, just not this one. We've had ten months of hopelessness. If was planning on showing us how we can trust him in hopeless situations, I think he missed the boat last night. This isn't going to be one of those stories of miraculous 11th hour interventions.

God does have a plan. It just doesn't include a house for us.

I don't know why. I don't know if we've done something horrible that makes us uneligible for housing. I don't know why others can do it and we can't.

All I know is someone last night took an offer for less money. They went with an offer with no conditions.

I understand why. The sellers are building a house and have to clear their own conditions or else they lose their new house. And in order to clear their conditions they had to have an unconditional sale.

The thing is... we could have cleared our conditions quicker than we indicated... we just didn't know their circumstances.

So I get it.

It isn't just a stupid, crazy market that went berserk. It isn't just a myriad of strange circumstances that prevent us from having a house.

It's us.

We're just not supposed to have a house right now.

We've taken up the time of four realtors and one mortgage broker. We've basically wasted their time.

Richard and I are going to take the next couple of days to think about our next step. If there is a next step.

Thank you for all the prayers. I am humbled by how many were praying for us through this ordeal. It appears it didn't help. I'm sorry about that.

Listening to: the fish tank
Pending assignments: 1

No house

The house went to someone else. : (

Sorry... I'm sad.

Offer submitted

Are ya sick of our house hunting saga yet?

Yeah. So are we.

Tonight we put in an offer on what will be one of our favourite houses. It has everything we have wanted and a few things we have wished for.

Our offer included a letter we hope will give the owners a peek into our plight. Our desperate, I'm-so-sick-of-house-hunting, pullleeease accept our offer.

We will know probably late tomorrow night.

Will keep y'all posted...

Updates

No house.

We're feeling more confident and more optimistic though. (Despite reports last weekend of a small bungalow going for 50 over list in Haultain of all places!)

We know that this is a difficult market. We know that we're batting with two strikes against us(no equity and no desire to submit an offer without asking for a home inspection).

We have broadened our search somewhat. We've looked at a couple of houses in Martensville. Nothing has worked out so far. But I believe and I choose to stand firmly on hope.

I said to Richard the other day in a moment of near despair..."We have half the countryside praying for us!"

After a moment of thought, I added, "Imagine how bad things would be if we didn't have anyone praying!"

We'd be living in a tent on one of the University campuses I have a feeling... or we'd have a house that would be sitting in rubble around us...

It's enough to make a person shudder.

Seriously, thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your patience with us as we have become a one note song as of late.

For those who have sat with us, cried with us, hugged us and loved us through one of the most frustrating seasons of our lives we thank you. We are blessed to have so many near to us (and far away from us) who have been such a wonderful support to us.

So thank you.

The lessons of this temporary desert (at least I hope it's temporary!) have been many. Richard and I have learned many hard lessons in trusting our instincts, trusting our REALTOR (R) and learning to trust each other. After ten years of marriage we always have something new to learn about each other.

Another lesson is simply that patience is not something acquired quickly.

Instead of focusing on how difficult of a trial this has been, I have been shifting my focus to what a blessing those lessons have been. When another trial comes (perhaps even more difficult than just trying to find a material possession) I am certain the lessons from this desert experience will come back to bless us.

Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life, which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. James 1:12.

Listening to: not a thing! (that's odd... let me put on some Newsboys quick...!)
Pending assignments: 4... I think...

Sigh...

For those who haven't yet heard, we didn't get the house in Martensville.

I'm not sure I have much to say. You'd think the disappointment would hurt less after this many times.

We'll still keep plugging away, but no house we ever get will be worth this much stress, time, energy or pain.

My newly-rekindled hope has now faded again.

Listening to: Mikaela each tortillas and watch Lord of the Beans
Pending Assignments: 3

Miscellaneous thoughts on Saturday

I suck.

I suck at giving my problems to God. I'm so used to carrying them myself. Trying to control everything myself is exhausting. Does anybody have a solution for this. Is there a pill I can take? An herbal remedy maybe?

I'm totally grumpy today. My head hurts. The snow mold allergies have returned with a vengence. I'm managing, but with a steady stream of advil.

We also went to look at a house today. It was lovely. Really lovely.

It's in Martensville.

Mar. tens. ville.

Didn't really want to move outside the city, but we have no choice.

Still the location is lovely. The house is lovely. The deck is lovely. The yard is lovely. I'm certain my man would even say the 24 X 24 insulate garage was also lovely - even though it did need a wee bit of work.

(We're making an offer on it today. We'll know if it's ours by tomorrow night. Will update you all then!)

Aside: I'm also heartened about our prospects by the fact more and more houses are being listed. In the last 24 hours 93 houses have hit the MLS system in Saskatoon! That's an awful lot compared to a few weeks ago.

With an offer pending, I'm worried and afraid to even hope. Having so many offers rejected makes a person skittish, you know? Afraid to trust. Afraid to let go.

In addition, I've let a couple of things really eat at my this week. And they really have no place in my life and no reason to eat up my strength and energy. They're not mine to fuss over.

In short: they don't belong in my bag!

They belong in God's.

So here is my attempt at trying to hand them over to him: (again!)

Dear my heavenly father;

Lord, I have taken several things from your back and put them in mine. They are weighing me down. They have sapped my strength and exhausted my joy. My patience has worn thread bare by trying to carry burdens that aren't mine to carry.

Lord, I give them back to you. I place them and my whole being in your hands. Let your will be done with them. With all of my worry and misplaced energy, have I helped these issues even a little? Of course not. I wasted my energy.

Lord, no matter how many times I grab them back, help me to remember that they are not mine to fret about. They are yours and I have given them to you. Help me to let go. Help me to not be afraid of letting go.

Jesus help me to take up your yoke instead. And walk in your rest.

Father, thank you for the beautiful warm sunshine today. Thank you for the many blessings you give us each day. Thank you that I am surrounded by friends and family who love me and family. Thank you for friends and family that I can bless right back.

In the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen.

Listening to: Outkast - Hey Ya!

Pending assignments: 2

Thoughts on a Friday

(I really need to come up with better titles.)

Here's something I've learned recently. If you're weighted down with something you can't move too quickly. In fact, your overall coordination will be tasked - leaving you stumbling and unable to accomplish the physical demands you may normally find simple.

This I realized this morning as I hauled around a bag of Friday papers - complete with massive top package (also known as a bundle of flyers).

If I didn't split my route in two I wouldn't be able to lift the bag over my head with all the papers! In fact, the second part of my route is the bigger part and it takes all my strength to waddle down the first few blocks with papers hanging in the front pouch and another glob of papers smacking me in the butt.

I'm pretty sure there are several early-risers on my route that are getting a good chuckle as I sway and stagger down the street under the weight.

I walk the equivalent of 14 blocks with this mega-ton clingon.

By the end I'm moving a good clip. I'm usually famished by then and also fairly chilled. I want nothing more than some warm tea, a banana, and yogurt. (Toast follows later!)

Of course, as I go through the route I deposit my papers and my bag becomes lighter. Imperceptibly at first, but then all of a sudden I walk with a steadier gait and my speed increases.

I realized today as I stepped on the treadmill how much easier it was to just start walking - briskly even. No large cumbersome bag swinging back and forth to knock me off balance. Just me. Just my legs, arms and body working seamlessly together.

What is my point?

Good question.

I wonder if this isn't true spiritually, too. You know, how often do I struggle - weighted down by my own worries - and I can't move gracefully through life. Instead I stumble and fall, totter and lurch.

I look anything but graceful.

Usually because I'm carrying a load I'm not meant to carry. No one has to go through their day carrying a heavy bag of Friday edition papers. (Although for an experiment, it might be fun to watch.)

So as I think of my week - how I've stumbled and staggered - I realize I've taken several concerns and issues from God's bag and put them in mine.

And their heavy.

Real heavy.

And I don't need to carry them anymore. They aren't mine to begin with.

So I shall gently place them back in God's hands.

Reminds me of these verses:

Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and my load is light. Matthew 10:28, 29, 30.

Listening to: 80's music (Kenny Loggins' Footloose at the moment)
Pending assignments: 2

My first post with a pic

Hubby and I bought a digital camera before we went to Regina last week. The main purpose being to post pics here so that everyone can keep up with the Smiths.

Here are some pix of my kiddos as they went to the park yesterday.

Note the snow and winter coats.

I'm tired of the cold.

This interrupted spring is wearing on my nerves. And not just because I have to get all geared up with toque, scarf, and mittens in order to do my papers at 5 a.m. I'm just tired of it.

And what the heck... here's one of hubby from Homecoming last weekend...

Listening to: my fish tank gurgle
Pending assignments: 1

Post #138

Hi. I'm JJ and I'm a recovering perfectionist.

I say recovering because my deep-seated need for and addiction to everyone else's approval is an ongoing struggle. I have good days and bad.

It nearly killed me when I was younger.

I had to be the perfect daughter. The perfect student. The perfect friend. The perfect Christian.

Eventually, the perfect wife.

It was so constraining I felt like I was going to suffocate - having to keep all these judges inside my head happy.

As some of you know, I married stupid when I was 20. The relationship deteriorated rapidly, but I was convinced it was all my fault. My ex-husband convinced me everything was my fault.

And I believed him.

By the time I left I was a walking corpse. I still had a pulse, but there was little about me that was alive.

I wanted so badly to die. I would stand on my ninth floor balcony wondering if that was high enough to end the pain. I'd count out bottles of pills wondering how many it would take.

I was too scared to try. My fear of failure kept me alive.

But my perfectionism kept me from sharing my pain with anyone else. Once in a while my cover would slip, but for the most part I kept my happy face screwed on tight.

I've heard recently of people (several stories from several places) who've been working so hard at keeping up appearances, yet inside they are like a rotting tomb. They've never allowed the inside to match the outside.

As long as everything looked fine on the outside, they played the game. They pretended with their friends and family. Couldn't bear to tell anyone life was one iota less than perfect.

I become more and more testy the more someone tries to convince me they have the perfect marriage with the perfect spouse with the perfect kids who are the best at everything from sports to academics.

Pullllease.

I don't buy it for a moment so stop selling it to me.

Tough part is that no matter how good you are at playing the game (the "I'm so perfect" game), you lose.

Perfectionism will eat you alive and spit you out when it's done. It will destroy everything it touches - your relationships, your family, your marriage, your self esteem, your faith. Trust me. I've been there, done that, wore out the t-shirt.

The stories I've heard have made sad. They are stories of people lying and manipulating and covering up their sin. I wish I could show them that God's grace extends to them. And doesn't depend on us being the perfect friend, parent, or Christian.

Jesus didn't die so we wouldn't have problems. He didn't suffer a horrific death so we could get it all figured out.

He died so that we might enjoy forgiveness of sin. He died so that we could experience the freedom true grace brings.

If your faith doesn't free you, then you're trying too hard to polish the outside. Then you're trying too hard to impress people, to win their approval, to gain people's acceptance rather than trusting in Your Saviour's acceptance.

Sadly, the last thing perfectionism does is decieve us. It gives way to denial. And unfortunately, many don't come back from that. They continue the lie, continue the game and never discover the joy of truly living. In the process they destroy so many lives with their lies.

The saddest part of people like this, isn't their own pain, but the pain they inflict on others.

Perfectionism. I swear it's deadly.

My only prayer is that some of these stories will end with the truth being known to all. Fully and completely.

Listening to: Snow Patrol: Eyes Open
Pending assignments: 1

Anything but normal

Who knew a person could get so little sleep over a weekend and still find it so completely refreshing?

The hubby and I attending his 20 year high school reunion. I learned several things while there:

1. Those closing in on 40 shouldn't stay up past 1 p.m. and still expect to wake up early the next morning.

2. Laughing to your sides and cheeks ache isn't just fun it relieves a great deal of stress and highly recommend it on a regular basis!

3. Every person's life is completely unique and yet more often than not, we experience similar circumstances or life stages. It's those feelings and emotions that we have in common that create a connection. Sometimes I wish we'd spend more time focusing on those common things.

4. It's those relationships and connections that make a person's life rich and fulfilling. More time should be spent fostering and nurturing these precious gifts in our life, than pursuing the worldly stuff we get so wrapped up in.

5. My wonderful, beautiful, yet strange life isn't so strange and is more wonderful than I have ever believed. I shall treasure each day for the gift it is.


Other news...

1. I have decided to stay with my current job. We've experienced a few personnel issues and as a result, if I left the centre it would be left with no one. I just didn't want to leave the centre in such a state. When I leave I want it to be on a high note. I want to walk away with my head held high, with a divine sense of accomplishment.

I had decided the week before that whatever decision I had made, I had to make it for the right reason. I felt this was the best reason of all - stay so that I might continue God's work until he sends along my replacement.

2. Started my paper route this morning. Here's something I bet very few people realize: it is so blessedly peaceful at 5:30 in the morning. I loved every minute of it. I prayed as I strolled along - mainly just lifting my heart to God to praise him for a wonderful weekend of refreshment and all the blessings he has given to me.

3. House hunting is being released to God. We're still prayerfully exploring a few more possibilities, but my job is to keep the main things the main things. It's God's job to take care of the rest.

That's all my thoughts for this lovely, but chilly Monday morning. I have much to do today, so I better get crackin'.

Listening to: Building 429: Rise
Pending assignments: 1

House update

The house hunt is officially over.

It pains me to say this, but the builder wouldn't accept our back up offer. (Is there something wrong with us? Who turns down a back up offer? Do we stink?)

And it was a slim chance the original deal would fall through anyway.

The duplexes Jastek will be offering up for sale next week in Stonebridge start at $260,000 - $270,000. Which is out of our price range.

Our agent called every builder in the city - every one of them is sold out in the under $300,000 range - except Hampton Village.

We looked in Hampton Village, but they also have gone up in price within the last two weeks and now start at $260,000 as well.

So I've said it before (and perhaps I'll say it again): we're officially done. If nothing comes up by the end of next week, we will re-invest our RRSPs and close this chapter in our lives - at least for now.

You'd think I'd have gotten used to the disappointment by now, but it still stings. I am praying God will give me a thankful heart. I want to walk in contentment and peace. I want to cultivate a grateful spirit for all the blessings He has given us.

Listening to: my kids eat popcorn and watch Space: 1999.
Pending assignments: 1

Wednesday waiting and wondering

If you haven't looked outside yet, I'd suggest you go back to bed and give it a few days.

Ick!

Anyway...

No news on any front. I won't hear about the job until late this week and we won't hear about the house until Friday.

When there is news, I will post it. I promise.

So in a few days my life could look drastically different.

Or not.

Who knows? Either way, God is blessing us. And I am determined to walk in His ways through the trials and the blessings.

In the meantime... I am learning patience. Slowly.

Listening to: FREE 100.3
Pending assignments: 0!

No news and so much news

I'm supposed to be working right now on this massively huge assignment, so this post will be short.

House news:
Long story short: we're buying new. Gave up on the resale market and found a new agent. Tomorrow we put our offer in on a house we like in Stonebridge. If that fails we will have to decide between Hampton Village (westside south of the airport) or a new duplex in Stonebridge.

Other news:
I had a job interview last week. I was very excited about it to begin with. Then when I got there I realized it wasn't as flexible as I had hoped.

The job is part time (2-4 days a week) writing newsletters, editing magazines and updating websites for several agricultural associations. I won't hear about it until the end of this week.

I feel like everything is still very up in the air. I hate that feeling.

I have been praying over the last two days, seeking God's face in this areas - asking for his insight, his blessing and his leading.

I will keep you all posted.

Listening to: Building 429: Rise
Pending assignments: 1 (super huge very large feature for the SP - on the Saskatoon Real Estate Board - oh the irony!)

Several things

1. I woke up this morning and apparently it's December again. What's up with that? Spring showers aren't supposed to come in the form of snow.

2. Another day, another house, another offer. Will keep you posted.

3. I'm reading a book on finding balance and finding it such a wonderful blessing. The title is Balance that Works When Life Doesn't. The author tackles both spiritual and physical balance in our lives - which I found a refreshing change for a Christian author. Over the coming days I will share some of the nuggets of truth I have discovered within its pages.

For starters: Take ground on the good days. In other words, on days when you feel strong - make those dietary and fitness changes. On those days when you're busting with energy step outside your comfort zone - go a little further, do a little more. This applies to physical disciplines and spiritual ones as well. Then on the days when you are bone tired and the most you can muster for a prayer time is to lift your gaze to heaven, you can still feel like you're making progress.

Another one: You are God's very precious treasure. Everything you do matters to Him because He loves you. Meditate on that one for a while and see if it impacts your outlook on life.

4. I'm learning to count my blessings. Here a few I enjoyed this morning so far:

• The beautiful hue of the sky as the sun rose. The clouds were a delightful pale golden pink. God wakes up every morning and paints the sky just to show me how much He loves me.
• I got to walk my kids to the bus this morning and we had fun slipping on the ice under all the snow. It's quite the dance you can do as you try to keep your balance.
• The sunlight pouring through my windows at work. We are blessed with very large windows here.
• The piles of clothing donations that were here when I got here today. God bless people for sharing what they have with others. That must make God smile.
• I have enjoyed the quiet time at work, just praying and praising God. That must make Him smile, too.

Listening to: Free 100.3 (I'm at work)
Assignments pending: 1

Bummed

The offer was not accepted. The sellers accepted a higher offer. This was not unexpected, but still disappointing.

Still the day wasn't totally depressing. I am now the paper boy for the surrounding two blocks.

Weird, I know. But I took it on, so that my son can inherit the route at some point. And since we are not moving anywhere anytime soon... I figured why not?

I also have other news I will post about later in the week. (Don't want to jinx it!)

Listening to: Space 1999
Pending assignments: 1

Offer made...

Now we wait. Our hopes are not high. We realize the very best offer we could pull together isn't going to be enough to get us this house.

And that's ok. Something else will come along.

We are discouraged for the moment, but not without hope.

Blogging

Thank you for all the kind responses to my tumultuous Wednesday. Wait no... that was Thursday. Sigh.

Anyway, thank you.

The purpose for me sharing these kinds of posts is to show the process of temporarily giving in to despair and then finding your senses again. The process of dealing with the everyday frustrations of life.

Being a Christian doesn't make a person immune to moments of self-pity and despair. I'm certainly not, anyway!

But I hope by sharing these raw experiences others can find something useful for themselves. Not because I'm so great, but because He is. He's the foundation we can stand on. No matter what, no matter when. Every time.

Listening to: CBC Kids
Pending assignments: 1

Good news, bad news and other news

Good news: I have two fabulous children! I know this because my children's teachers told me so this morning. As though there was any doubt in my mind...

Bad news: Saw house this a.m. Loved the area. Hated the house. My rule: do not buy a house with cracks in walls, ceilings and/or water damage around all upstairs windows and the ceiling of basement.

Depression moved in. Despair followed.

Badder news: Car died.

Not the kind of sudden dying where you know if you just boost the stupid thing everything will be right as rain.

No... the kind of slow painful death where you know something is wrong, but the soonest you can get it into the shop is tomorrow morning but you have to drive it anyway even though it chugs and sputters and coughs only to have the 'CHECK ENGINE' light come on and suddenly by God's grace the mechanics have an opening today and by another act of God's grace the person who had booked the loaner car didn't show up so you get to take it so you won't be carless while the mechanics diagnose the problem.

I do not possess the spiritual gift of prophecy or foreknowledge, but my personal prediction is the bill will exceed the worth of the car. By A LOT. I honestly believe this car is done. Toast. To quote N'Sync... Bye, bye bye...

Do you doubt me?

Wouldn't that require a colossal change in the wind of luck which lately seems hell-bent on our destruction?

And the likelihood of that happening is...?

Yeah. Thought so.

Depression and despair made themselves cozy.

Other news: house came up in our area. Absolutely gorgeous! Couldn't list all the things I love about it. Completely decked out.

Question: does it even matter now? Can we afford it? What about after the car bleeds us dry, can we afford it then?

Answer: dunno. But I do know Who has the answers, right?

I'm on my knees beating down His door right now with tears streaming down my face, but all I can manage to sputter out is "Help".

There is a lot of stress in my life right now. More than I can detail here.

In the midst of all this turmoil, how can I find God's peace? How can I hear his voice? I know He desire to bless me. And I so often I settle for second best when His best is waiting for me.

Where is the line between taking a leap of faith and a jump of stupidity?

Good news: I don't even know what to pray anymore.

Thankfully, God knows what we need before we do. So I know He is working at these things in His own time. He's working upstream in our lives. I can feel it. There is a blessing in all this somewhere. I know it!

Gave depression and despair a kick in the butt!

UPDATE #1:

Gooder news: Repairs to car: $240. Knowing you don't have to dip (further) into credit to make your vehicle driveable: priceless!

Happily willing to eat crow on this one! I was way off.

God is so good! He is looking after us. Thankfully I set aside a certain part of every paycheque specifically for car repairs. (I have learned from experience: when the car runs set aside money for when it doesn't!)

And guess what? The amount in there right now nicely covers this unexpected expense. God bless our car repair account! You have no idea how many times this account has save our ass!

In the meantime, I got an assignment from Canwest. The amount of the assignment also covers the amount of this car expense. When God is good... He's really good!


Listening to: my kids play
Assignments pending: none for the moment... thank the good Lord up above! UPDATE: now 1!

Prayer request

A house just came up. Sounds very juicy. Location and specs we want.

Please pray.

We're going to be moving very quickly on this. Our offer won't even be subject to conditions of financing. (Holy crap, batman!)

In addition, we'll be throwing as much money as we can at it.

Please, God, please... let this be the one!

In other news...

I'm at home with a sick kid today. I'm also not feeling well. Huge headache.


Listening to: Kids CBC
Pending assignments: 1

Interesting request

I just received an email asking me to judge a non-fiction writing contest.

What an interesting challenge. Someone wants my opinion of their work.

Tres cool.

Listening to: nothing
Pending assignments: as of a few minutes ago... 1

Monday morning musings

A dear sister of mine shared with me recently her doubts and fears. She's questioning whether God really cares about her and her situation.

My heart ached as I pondered her story and I found tears welling up in my eyes. It was like she'd opened my skull and copied down the thoughts that have droned on day in and day out.

I've watched my own dreams whither and die. It seems I no longer have the strength to keep them alive some days. I'm too busy just trying to keep up with my life.

I, too, have wondered if God's promises for blessing and protection are for someone else and not me.

Why do some people achieve their dreams in a heartbeat while the rest of watch as ours sail further and further away?

Does God reward some? Punish others? Is it just random? Or are some people destined to always pay a price for just being in the wrong place at the wrong time? Or never being in the right place at the right time?

I don't know the answers. Not today. I believe that God is working upstream in my life and in my sister's life. Yet it does seem some days like it's waaay upstream.

In the meantime, it's hard not to grow bitter at the injustice of it all, you know?

And what's the cure for bitterness? Anger? Frustration? Continual disappointment?

I know what the fruit of these things are. But how do you cure it? How do you stop it?

I've spent the last several days trying to focus my attention on cultivating an attitude of gratitude. Sounds cheesy and oh so Oprah!, and so far I've only had moments of reprieve.

I admit I can't fight it alone, but instead I ask for the strength of Christ to help me.

But it's a struggle.

For some reason, I find it so encouraging that my sister has some of the same struggles. Perhaps we can both find the relief we need as we lift each other up in prayer.


Listening to: Greg Sczebel: Here to Stay
Pending assignments: 2

The yearly thaw and sneeze

1. Spring has sprung! For the moment anyway. I've lived here too long to truly trust that spring is here to stay until roughly May. While I welcome the wonderful reprieve from cold, snow and ice, I have not enjoyed what comes with it...

Allergies.

Snow mold. I don't know what it is or even if it exists. I only know when the snow starts melting I want to claw my eyes out of my skull and rub my nose right off my face.

Last night I was hit with an attack that had me sneezing and sniffling and rubbing my eyes. Eventually my eyes felt like someone had poured sand into them. It felt like they should make an audible scraping noise when I blinked.

Gross.

I ended up taking an Advil cold and sinus caplet (wonderful stuff!), and I was able to breathe and stop sneezing long enough to make muffins with Mikaela. The family also played a couple of games of UNO before bed.

When I woke up this morning I felt great. Tired, but I expected that. No matter how long you sleep after an allergy attack like that you always feel drained after.

Well, that great feeling was short lived. My throat is raw, my eyes are puffy and red again and I'm started to sneeze. I've also gotten more and more stuffed up as the morning wears on...

I'm going to take something now...

I'm so excited spring is here! Snow is melting. Just let me grab my tissues and allergy meds so I can enjoy it!

2. Still trying to buy a house. At this point we're just going through the motions. I'm convinced there is no hope of us getting a house in this market.

We are considering making an offer on a house this weekend. Which will most likely be an exercise in futility.

3. Busy weekend with house hunting, birthday parties, BIL visiting from Regina, fixing a flat tire, and all the other household duties that arrive on the weekend. So I better keep moving...!

Listening to: newsboys: Go (seriously if you haven't purchased this album... do it soon!)
Pending assignments: 2

Why buying a house sucks

No matter how many times we think we have everything in place to get back to househunting, we find we are mistaken.

I hate house hunting. Hate. It.

Instead of having this wonderful experience buying our first home together, it has turned into this emotional roller coaster of mammoth proportions. I had visions of an interesting adventure not a nightmare with a tragic end.

Just when we think we understand everything our mortgage broker is saying, our financial planner says it can't be done.

And then we go to our realtor who says it can. Then back we go to the mortgage broker who explains it again.

And round and round we go.

Meanwhile, house prices in Saskatoon are creeping up by the second. Right now most houses are going for roughly $25,000 over list price. And list prices are nothing to sneeze at.

We just can't compete in this market.

A house on the East side of Saskatoon recently sold in a day - with 14 showings that day.

There's no way little old us have the moxy or the buying power to ever have an accepted offer.

The only ones who can have a postal code starting with T. The rest of us poor mutts are getting shut out.

So the final bell for the final round is about to ding. And we will have given up. There is no stone unturned. There is no resource not tapped.

No amount of tears or cheesecake could cure the disappointment we both feel. Instead of enjoying the adventure of buying our first home, we find ourselves forever soured on the market.

Finances will not bar us from buying a house in the future. The determining factor will be whether we have the stomach to go through the heartache and frustration of househunting again.

I'm not sure my nerves can handle another round of disappointment.

For those of you who purchased houses before the great housing boom get on your knees and thank God. You have no idea how you have been blessed.

As a silver lining - perhaps there's an article here... hmm...

Listening to: my kids play and build with friends
Pending assignments: none still!

Fender-bender or tail-light cracker

I got into my very first fender-bender yesterday. It was more like a tail-light cracker.

It was bound to happen. Icy conditions and well... we do live in Saskatchewan after all, where we spend the better part of six months driving through ice, snow and other hazards.

As I was pulling out of my parking spot at Safeway, a smaller SUV was also pulling out. Unfortunately, we pulled out into each other's path. I spotted the other vehicle first and immediately braked and laid on my horn. I struggled to switch gears while still honking - hoping to alert the other driver to my presence. Everyone in the parking lot stood still to watch this slow motion accident.

I was unsuccessful in alerting the driver however, but I think I did help prevent what could have wrought even more damage.

I barely felt the impact, but I did hear a crunch and I knew that wasn't good.

The only damage to my car was a chipped tail light. It could have been worse. The tail light broke right next to the trunk. If we had collided at a higher speed (as we were initially going to before I stopped) our trunk lid would probably have sustained damage as well.

The only damage to the other vehicle was some rather nasty looking scrapes to their spare tire cover. The vehicle owner insisted those marks were from a previous fender bender earlier in the week.

I think I shall watch out for a small grey SUV... two minor accidents in one week! Enough reason to stay I wary, I'd wager.

Anywho, although we will have to get a new tail light, with any luck on our side (and you know we have very little!) we can find the needed piece at a local auto wrecking place. We've found parts there before for our vehicles, so we shall pray they have a Plymouth Breeze with a driver's side tail light intact.

Listening to: Greg Sczebel (I'm in a mellow mood)
Assignments pending: 0!

Breathing

Finished my last assignment on Friday. I've spent the last two days discovering what many others appear to enjoy on a regular basis... free time.

What is this?

Oh my. What do I do with myself? I actually had a Saturday to just do... whatever.

Wow. I like it! To God and Bruce in Bruce Almighty... s'goood...!

I made chocolate chip cookies with Mik. She also helped me make supper - Turkey Saltimbocca with buttered angel hair pasta. She even ate it!

Today I've gone shopping for ingredients to the appetizer for small group tonight.

(In the process I got in a minor fender-bender. My very first. More on this and the damage it caused in the next few days... I'm sure).

After getting back I've sat with my feet up and relaxed while watching Richard play nintendo and the kids build stuff with lego. Seriously, could anything be more mundane?

But I like mundane. It's quite relaxing actually. And it feels so great not to be rushing or feel pressure to do something. It's pure bliss not to have a deadline hanging over my head.

This breather is such a blessing.

This attitude is a far cry from where I was when I woke up this morning. I made the big mistake of checking our bank account before going to church.

I should know better.

Instead of walking into church feeling encouraged and happy to worship together with my brothers and sisters in Christ... I felt blue.

Frustrated, too.

I write so much and feel like I'm not accomplishing anything. I feel sometimes like it's all a wasted effort. How can I work so hard, be so frazzled and still be behind all the time? Why don't I have anything to show for it?

(Keep in mind those nine articles I wrote in February, plus one in March already, I have yet to be paid for. So I am owed a lot of money at the moment. Those payments should start trickling in this week. I think. I hope.)

But as I got ready for church, I fumed.

God, I've been praying for two years for a fulltime writing job. I've been praying for even a part time writing job, so I could keep freelancing. You've answered my brothers' and sisters' prayers around me. Why not mine? We've prayed for a house and yet we've encountered nothing but obstacles and bad luck. Do you not hear? Why is it just my prayers you can not answer?

I wondered about all this as we pulled into the church parking lot. Then I thought of the words to a simple chorus I remember from my childhood - We bring sacrifice of praise...

I love that song - mainly because it was the only song that went through my head the morning I was baptized at the age of 13. I've never forgotten it. Nor will I ever forget the words...

We bring sacrifice of praise
Into the house of the Lord
We bring sacrifice of praise
Into the house of the Lord

And we offer up to You
The sacrifices of thanksgiving
And we offer up to You
The sacrifices of joy

The word 'sacrifice' implies a cost. You're not sacrificing if you're not giving something costly - something of tremendous value.

So here I was having a pity party for one, as we walked into church. I prayed that God would accept my offerings of praise and thankgiving.

Because no matter what I'm going through, God is still God. And he still deserves my praise and thanksgiving for his constant watchful care.

Sometimes I don't see his hand in my life. Sometimes it appears he has left circumstances to chance all around me.

But instead of giving in to this feeling, today I chose to embrace him. I chose to bring my sacrifices of praise, thanksgiving and joy.

I trust in his love. I trust in his plan. I don't get it and today I confess I might even doubt the existence of his plan for my life - let alone that it could be a plan for blessing... but I will choose to believe it anyway.

Now I must toss together a vegetable pizza for our small group potluck! Ack!

Listening to: Mikaela telling me about the house she built with a front yard and back yard with a pool. I like it!
Pending assignments: none! Woohoo!
Houses looked at: 1

Hopes dashed

Last week's enthusiasm and optimism on buying a house were completely premature.

The finances we had hoped would fall into place did not.

So house hunting is again done. For at least a year.

I don't know what else to say. I'm disappointed. Frustrated. Discouraged.

But perhaps God has a very good reason for all this. Perhaps He will have a remarkable way of turning it around.

Tonight I'm off to birthday party on the other side of the city. I'm not sure how I feel about trekking out on these roads right now, but I'm not the one driving! And that's just fine with me.

After the bday celebration, we will be heading over to Vangelli's on Broadway in support of a friend of mine who's band is doing their first gig since last August.

It's a social event and a date night all in one!

Listening to: the news (yawn!)
Pending assignments: 1, but I see another one sitting in my inbox that I haven't read yet...

Down to one!

Yes!

Doing a happy Snoopy dance here!

I've had nine articles to write in the month of February. I just finished number eight. My third for this week alone!

Number nine is a major centre spread for Living Light News and due Monday. I just finished the interview this morning.

Tomorrow I get to rest and relax. I have coffee planned with a friend in the morning and then a whole afternoon to just do whatever.

Can I tell you how exciting that sounds right now? Do... whatever. Ahhh...

After I send in this last assignment on Monday I will truly be done for the month. I hope.

(Although any editors out there are welcome to send more assignments my as the month is not yet over... and hey nine articles in a month is crazy, but so is 10... or 11...!)

Listening to: Logan make himself iced-tea with his dad's frother (it's gets all foamy)
Pending assignments: 1! WOOHOO!

Cookin'

I love to cook. It is yet another way I use my creativity. And this one blesses my family directly everyday.

Perhaps that's why making a meal plan and and cooking healthy foods gives me such joy. My kids don't enjoy these foods near as much as I do... yet, anyway!

I figure if they are exposed to it when they are young, they will think it is normal. And hopefully the eating habits they observe their parents demonstrating day in and day out will have an impact.

They are getting better at trying new things.

I watched an episode of Dr. Phil a few weeks ago about obese children. It just about broke my heart to hear their stories. To start off so young and have their view of food and nutrition so horribly skewed.

And these well-meaning, but horrificly mis-informed and mis-guided parents! Giving our kids healthy food is one way we bless them, not just today but for days to come. Start them early!

Today we are having Cream of Broccoli soup with butter pan buns from Safeway. (Does Safeway not have the best buns in the city...?)

Every meal is also adorned with a big bowl of raw veggies. Many people serve salad, but none of us are salad eaters. Raw veggies my kids go nuts for.

So I make dip and buy their favourite vegetables to cut up together. I also serve low fat cheese at most meals to give Logan his calcium requirements as he does not like milk.

Cooking also helps me to release tension. Baking bread is the ultimate in stress relief.

I cook as much as I can from scratch. I figure it's healthier that way. I avoid mixes and prepared foods as much as possible.

Lest you think I am some sort of genius chef, I can assure that is not the case. My cooking skills are pretty rudimentary.

I will share a secret...

The Dinner Diva. She is an absolute gem. She sends me an email once a week with a meal plan for six dinners and a grocery list. I print it off and like today I go to the store to buy everything I need for the week.

It costs about $30 a year, but my sanity is worth it. I never have to wonder what's for supper. What a blessing that is! And that in turn blesses my family.

So I thought I would share with you one of my favourite blessings. If you think you'd like to cook more or cook healthier meals, but don't know where to start - check out The Dinner Diva.

She also has new recipe bundles for those who like to freeze meals ahead of time. Great for working moms! She has several different style of menus for those with special dietary needs like low carbs or heart-healthy, etc.

Now I'm off to finish making supper and then nose to the keyboard... er... grindstone it will be for me!

Listening to: my children make themselves ice-tea with their dad's frother.
Pending assignments: 3 (minus one tonight when I finish the latest!)

Apologies

I didn't mean to alarm anyone with my post last night.

Have you ever had one of those days? A day that taxes every ounce of patience you have? A day that jumps you a dark alley and beats the crap out of you and leaves you in a sobbing heap?

Yeah. That's the kind of day I had.

But I tried to end on a positive note. Life still must go on. The earth keeps spinning on its axis and we must gather ourselves up and try again.

When life kicks us in the teeth we simply get up and brush ourselves off and continue on.

I shall pick myself up again and again. And each time I will learn a little.

There are just times when we must allow ourselves a few moments of self-pity, a few moments of oh-my-gosh-life-is-so-hard whining, before we carry on.

I'll be focusing the next few days on self-care - taking care of my physical (eating properly - no junk food, no pepsi), spiritual (sipping, renewing, and refreshing from the well of God's grace), emotional/psychological, and social needs (meeting with friends and staying in contact with those I love through email).

As well I'll be taking some time to refill the creative reservoir by watching lots of movies and doing some creative crafting.

I also plan to try and catch some curling action over the weekend.

Listening to: blessed silence
Pending assignments: 3 - bless 'em!

Down

Life was trucking along. Things weren't perfect but then things never are, never will be.

But things were going... we were moving forward at least - we may have been jostling along in the back of a pick up on a grid road at 60 mph, but still... things were moving along.

In the space of a day I've gone from excited at my family coming back home from various parts of the province to devastated.

The meltdowns have returned.

And this time I'm bitter. Bit. Er.

I do everything the same. There are certain things I just don't mess with because I know a big fight is in store. I obsess about routines and habits - knowing the less I have to tell him to do and the more he remembers on his own, the fewer squabbles we will have.

Yet, none of it matters.

My prayers accomplish nothing. And the peaceful existence I thought had carved out for myself shatters into pieces so small they might as well be specks of dust.

I don't understand, God. I don't understand.

It always throws me for a loop. And writing becomes a painful process - as evidenced by the tears on my keyboard tonight. How do you emotionally regroup when your heart aches?

So I'm looping Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars in the background and waiting out the tide of grief.

There's still assignments to complete. There's still work to be done. There are clients to make happy. And others to chat with tomorrow.

If I just lay here... would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Random thoughts on a Saturday

Random thought #1:
I'm home by myself this weekend. The kids are with my mom and the hubby is helping to renovate his brother's bathroom in Regina.

This is all well and good. I happen to like being alone. For one thing, I always know I'm in good company. Far from being lonely, I am relaxed and thoroughly enjoying some space to myself.

Last night I went out for supper with a friend of mine. After supper we ate a leisurely dessert and sipped specialty coffees while we laughed and share. I treasure such times in my heart. God has blessed me with such amazing friends.

Random thought #2:
Looking forward to a season of growth and change. My writing continues to expand and keep me busy.

Work is also going to be going through major changes with a new person just hired and a new location TBA soon (I hope!)

I'm praying God will grant me peace - peace enough that I can speak into the tumult and chaos that will surround me over the next few months.

Random thought #3:
If God grants us a house in that time...! Wowee!

Random thought #4:
I hate shopping at Sobey's.

Random thought #5:
McCain pizza has a wonderful thin crust variety called Parisian Chicken. All the toppings are wonderful - spicy chicken, mushrooms, cheese, some sort of white sauce I forget the name of, and in a stroke of genius - chopped spinach. It's delicious. And I get to enjoy it all by myself!

Random thought #6:
I rarely have soft drinks in the house, but I bought myself a bottle of Pepsi.

Pepsi=yum!

Random thought #7:
The Riders have released their schedule. Check it out here. Or at Riderville.

Listening to: Toronto Maple Leafs vs. Edmonton Oilers (yes I'm an NHL dabbler...)
Pending assignments: 4

Resuming the hunt

It's on. Or more accurately... it's back on!

We're officially back into the house-hunting business.

For those of you who haven't purchased a house in the last ten months please realize that the market right now is extremely hot and is unlike the market in which you bought your house.

We've done this before but it's not even like the market we were looking in last fall. Things have changed that much.

Houses are going for far more than their asking prices. And they are moving quickly.

It's going to take nerves of steel, an immense amount of luck and a heavy dose of patience. And add in a little bit of being in the right place at the right time!

Thankfully, Richard and I both have this heavy stubborn streak. So here's hoping it serves us well in finding a place to call home.

Prayers for buckets of wisdom are greatly appreciated.

Listening to: the downstairs tenant belting out CCR... If that isn't incentive to move...
Pending assignments: 4

Number crunching

I always get the strongest urge to blog when I am facing a deadline. I'm not sure that's good or bad. And I'm procrastinating big time right now!

I did some comparing of this year's writing stats to last year's writing stats. This would be from the retail training I had - exceeding last year sales are always part of your sales goals. So last year's numbers are very important.

In the first two months of 2006 I wrote 9 articles. In the first two months of 2007 I will have written 12.

I also increased my pay per word. So that is progress as well.

There are but small steps - babysteps - but eventually even babysteps will get you where you want to go.

Bummer

The job at the SP went to someone internally. Nice guy. Talented too. I don't feel like I've been slighted at all.

In the meantime I have four articles due this month. Three until this morning and then I got another assignment. So things are just trucking along.

As to how in the world I will continue to keep all these balls in the air without dropping any of the important ones... I have no idea. I have begged God to help me find a way out of the high stress stakes of freelancing. But I trust his timing.

As I was typing the above, this verse came to mind:

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6,7)

I've let God know my prayers. I am so grateful for the work he has brought my way. I have been blessed in abundance lately!

So I will stand on the first part of the verse: be anxious for nothing. God knows my heart, I commit to trusting his guidance.

He has blessed me with work, I will continue to trust that he will provide the strength to complete it.

Listening to: nothing... strange but true.
Pending assignments: 4

The requisite weather-related post

It's dang cold out there.

How cold, you ask?

So cold Richard said the CD player in the car didn't work until he was almost at work.

So cold our car has resorted to swearing at us every morning.

So cold about one-third of the population of Saskatoon are currently south of the border - Arizona, California, Florida, Barbados, Hawaii, New Zealand... etc

So cold Environment Canada has begun their annual carrot-and-stick routine to keep us all from running en-masse to the border or overwhelming airlines to warm destinations.

They are currently saying the high on Thursday will reach -2.

Uh-huh.

Tomorrow the forecast for Thursday will suddenly become minus a gabillion and then Friday will warm up.

But, of course, we can't complain. We can't do without our weather prognosticators. For one thing we live in Saskatchewan where half the conversations from February to June revolve weather in one form or another.

We have to access the gifted minds of Environment Canada or the Weather Network, otherwise we can't talk for five months.

And perhaps it is in their infinite weather wisdom that they understand this time of year we start to avoid them. When the forecast is five days of frigidly monotonous temperatures, what's the point in watching them. It's like knowing how the story is going to end before you read the book... so why bother?

And so the weather forecasters in our great nation resort to the bait-and-switch technique of weather reporting. They invent a "chinook" five days in advance when forecasting becomes rather iffy anyway.

The "chinook" hits in early April. It's called spring.

Listening to: back to the newboys...
Pending assignments: 3, plus one rewrite (whew!)

Unexpected

The kids came busting through the front door on Friday absolutely breathless.

"Mom! Mom!" they called. "We don't have school next week."

I nodded. True. We had talked about it all week. I was surprised that they were surprised by it.

They looked confused. "Well, aren't we going to Grandma's house?"

"No, your dad and I decided you could hang out with us for a week."

"What?!"

"Well, you've been at Grandma's twice since Christmas, I thought we should give Grandma a break," I explained trying to hide my amusement.

"A break? What?"

The two of them looked at me like I'd lost my mind.

When relating the story to my mom yesterday she said they'd been wondering when I was going to call. She assured me that it was fine. If the kids wanted to come, they were welcome. In fact, they had been expected.

So today we packed up the kids after church and Richard drove them to meet mom in Biggar, while I slaved over the finishing touches on an article.

I'm faced with an unexpected break from my kids and I find myself missing them already. Weren't they just gone? Didn't we just get back?

Truth is I haven't had a chance to catch my breath since we got back from Edmonton. And with the hailstorm of assignments it's been a taxing workload to say the least.

I've been praying that through the storm I could feel his calm and feel him caring for me in ways I couldn't even guess or have time to think about or list.

This break might be just what I need as I wrap up several articles. It's like God knew and God provided just the break I needed. Isn't He a great heavenly Father?

He provides unexpected blessings for me. He is so good to me. I'm learning this over and over.

So what unexpected blessings have you experienced recently? Have you been looking? Can you see him peering down from heaven delighting in surprising you?

Listening to: Wow worship 2004 (I know it's not the newsboys! I'm branching out. Today so far I've sampled music by Snow Patrol, Daniel Powter, Tobymac, Casting Crowns, Tait, Building 429 and Tom Cochrane. Is that an eclectic mix or what?)

Assignments pending: 4 yay!

Buy a paper!

Hey all you out in blogger world...

Buy a StarPhoenix tomorrow, k?

They will be running a story about Baby Jane that includes quotes from my co-worker Kate and blurb about our organization (Real Choices Crisis Pregnancy Centre).

The reporter couldn't interview me, because I write for the paper - making it a slight conflict of interest. And with a last name like mine, I don't exactly blend in, if you know what I mean.

Yay! How cool is that?

Listening to: newsboys: Go ... seriously, why do I even list this...?
Pending assignments: 5 (hopefully 4 by the end of the day)

Almost...

Almost there.

I've been drowning in a haze of assignments. I just put two to rest tonight. I'll do another tomorrow.

And then another for Monday. My eyes and finger tips should be square by then.

And then... next Tuesday I think I'll throw a party... or maybe just have a very long bubble bath and a nap.

In the meantime I'm so tired I could cry. I shall go insane with the tension in my life. It feels like there is a constant war between my work and my writing and I'm tired of refereeing the fight.

It's making me weepy. I also got very sad news from a friend of mine tonight. So that didn't help.

Almost there, though. Almost...

Listening to: my own fingers crunch the keyboards
Assignments pending: 5

Aha!

Ever have an epiphany? Something that is so simple and obvious suddenly becomes crystal clear. Like DUH!

I’ve been struggling for months with trying to balance everything – trying to do everything. Nothing was consistent except the constantly overwhelming feeling of being... well... overwhelmed.

Along would come a hailstorm of assignments and I’d feel defeated because everything sorta fell apart with the house, laundry and meals. Why can’t I do this all consistently!? I kept railing against myself.

Anyway… it hit me today! I don’t need to. I don’t need to do laundry consistently to bless my family with clean clothes. I don’t have to keep the house spotless every single day to keep it functional and peaceful. I don’t have to cook fabulous meals – my family won’t ever starve around here!

My life is like the tide – it goes out and it comes in. Sometimes I’m standing knee deep in work. And other times I’m standing on dry land and can barely even see the waves.

Sometimes I’m writing my fingers to the bone and then other times I’m sitting here twiddling my thumbs and beating myself up for not being more productive or making more contacts and being more consistent in writing.

Then when I am busy and writing my fingers to the to the bone and still trying to do all the other stuff that I do when I’m not so busy.

Like duh!

Why don’t I just focus on writing and my deadlines and do the basics – my evening routine, my morning routine, planning meals (keeping quick meals around in reserve for times like this)? And then when things quiet down I can go back to more of the things that I do around the house – decluttering, detail cleaning, laundry every day, and other creative pursuits.

The creative life is never consistent so why would I expect my life to fall into a pattern that makes sense? The trick is to apply what works when I’m not busy writing to those times when I am. Just do it in smaller doses.

Learning to live in the ebb and flow...

Listening to: Geoff Moore & The Distance
Pending assignments: 7! eeeeeooooooo!

God bless cable repair guys

Internet is back. Yay!

I could have hugged the cable guy when he stood on my doorstep with a new modem under his arm.

"You brought a new modem!" I almost shrieked. But I managed to restrain myself. People think I'm weird enough without screaming random phrases.

I've been whining about needing a new modem for the past year to every cable repair guy and the response is always the same... "Well, it COULD be the modem, but then there's ... insert geek-speak here..."

Mainly, the tech talk related to something that would be OUR problem, such as the router. If one more tech asks me if I have a router I'll scream! I swear.

In addition they always said the same thing... "Hmm... your levels are ok, but not great. They are ok, though."

"But I don't want to be ok," I would complain in my head. "I want to be Tony the Tiger GRRREAT!"

Didn't these people realize who they were dealing with? A computer guru/tech-freak married to a writer who's research skills are limited only by her ADD-like ability to surf the internet?

Ok? Our levels are ok?

Ok is unacceptable.

But every time they came, they'd replace a new cable or switch a setting and all was well... until the next crash...

Crash meaning no access to email. No internet. Nuttin'.

And I would call Shaw support only to get asked, "Do you have a router?"

AHHHHH!

Well, God bless the cable repair guy that came today! He immediately said, it's probably the power supply.

Power supply?

Then he showed me the burned/browned label on the power supply. It wasn't the worst he'd ever seen, but almost!

"They can even blister and bubble," he says matter-of-factly. Yikes!

The new modem is tiny compared to our old clunker, but I'm very excited.

The tech then proceeded to drool over our computer.

"Ooo... dual core... ooo..." he muttered, while his partner stared at him blankly.

Apparently, not all cable repair guys are tech-freaks.

And what are our levels now you ask? They're grrrrreat! Thanks for asking!

Listening to: newsboys - Shine: The Hits
Assignments pending: FIVE! Count 'em... one, two, three, four, FIVE! help!

Waiting

Waiting...

Waiting for Richard to be done his morning work, so I can go get him and he can take me home.

Waiting for our internet to be fixed. It spontaneously decided to work yesterday afternoon, but it still crashes frequently. Which sucks.

Waiting to hear from people at work regarding a bunch of stuff.

Waiting to hear about the job I applied for.

Waiting here for Richard to be done so I can go home to wait for the Shaw repair guy.

Waiting...

Quick post

Our internet connection is very very very flaky. I'm hoping it holds long enough to post this.

Anyway, I would love to post some observations from Break Forth, but unfortunately I shall have to wait until the ISP problem is fixed. The Shaw cable guy is coming tomorrow.

In the meantime... it means I am without internet access (I shall go through withdrawals!) and email. So if you are waiting to hear from me, just be aware I will only have internet access if the monitor at work continues to hang on to usefulness by a thread. Sigh...

As well, I have several article deadlines flying around my head! Whee...

Bloggin' Break Forth #2 - Tandori

Today Richard and I spent all of our workshop sessions with Dr. Stuart Briscoe.

Briscoe is a grandfatherly man with grey hair and a beard. He is exactly like how you would picture a typical British professor - complete with sweater vest.

His style of teaching is an absolute delight. He gives lots of meat and after each new point he reviews all previous points. Everything is peppered with his wry humour.

He pastors a church in Milwaukee and has authored 40 plus books.

Clik here to visit his website.

The main session tonight was with Brian Doerkson (which was far too loud in my opinion), followed by a challenging message from renowed author Tony Compolo. I have always wanted to hear him speak. It was such a treat - even if his message was difficult in spots.

After the session the six of us headed out to an East Indian restaurant. Our friends had been planning the night out since before we got here. The rest of us, though hesitant, agreed to step outside of our norm and try something completely different and new.

The food was wonderful. I enjoyed every dish. They ordered everything mildly spicy, but we could still feel the heat.

It's nice to step outside our comfort zones. Which oddly enough was part of Compolo's challenging message to us. To go where God wants us to, we have to be willing to go where we don't feel safe - where we may feel uncomfortable. We may even miss our creature comforts.

Although going to an East Indian restaurant isn't too huge of a deal - not like moving to a different culture or anything! - but in the process we can find something thoroughly enjoyable. Like Tandori salmon.

Bloggin' Breakforth

Just finished my first intensive day of workshops at Breakforth here in Edmonton.

The guy who led it was a very funny, dynamic speaker. He told us story after story after story. I came away with so much about the art of crafting story - whether fiction or nonfiction.

Speaker's name was Steven James. He has a book coming out in August! I can't wait to buy it.

Some nuggets for thought:

If you are going to write stories from your life, you are going to have to change it.

Worst advice: write what you know. It's better to write what leads you to your passion.

Never put anything in your story that doesn't have significance.

Start at the end of your story. You won't know how to begin your story until you know how it's going to end.

The ending of your story should have two characteristics:
1. Inevitable - meaning it should be the sum parts of everything that took place before. The reader should be able to say: Of course! That's how it ends (or is solved or whatever).
2. Unpredictable - no one will read a story they aren't curious about. So if the reader knows the end before they get there... why continue reading.

All in all it confirmed what I have believed for a very long time. Stories were God's idea. Therefore there is an imprint in our hearts of what makes a good story - which is why the redemptive stories in the Bible touch our hearts - they are touching the imprint of our Maker.

All good stuff. Now we're off to have shop, have supper and then go to the worship service with Ken Davis and Casting Crowns. No idea who they are, but we're about to find out!

Listening to: hotel room heater and Richard look at his Ikea catalogue

Hmmm...

As you know I recently became much more settled in where I am in my life right now. I really felt like God was saying just enjoy where you are at this moment, look at how I have blessed you.

I was foremost a wife and a mom. My two other jobs in life were: writer and client services coordinator at the crisis pregnancy centre. I had to stop fretting and worrying and just trust God to do the rest.

I even blogged about the undeniable feeling of peace and contentment that I was experiencing.

Something I hadn't felt in a very long time.

Well, an opportunity has arisen for me to work fulltime. I'll be forwarding my application in a few minutes. This is harder than I thought. As much as I prayed this would happen for almost 18 months (yes, for those wondering, it is a position with the SP newsroom) I found myself unexpectedly hesitant.

Why? I have no idea. Perhaps simply a reticence to disrupt the comfortable routine I've been able to forge.

I asked for prayer from a couple of wise and trusted friends. I didn't feel completely comfortable applying so I put it off.

Finally, on the last day of the job posting I emailed my friend at the SP (who would be doing the hiring) and asked several questions about the position. I decided that whatever his answer I would trust it as a sign from God. God has used this man in the past to give me answers about my career plans, so I trusted the same could happen this time.

As the deadline for applying passed, I simply decided this was part of God's answer - the timing was wrong. I accepted it without even feeling that disappointed. My life was abundant as it was, right?

My friend's answer came today. And it totally made me sit up and take notice. It confirmed what I'd already suspected: the position would be a good fit for me. It will take an incredible amount of training, but it was definitely something I was interested in and (possibly) would be very good at.

Hmmm... was this God's plan all along? That I would finally learn to walk in a new measure of peace and surrender - only to have what I'd prayed for all along come flying and hit me in the face.

So here I go folks... tossing my hat into the ring. Please say a prayer for this application. Pray that whatever happens I will have the same complete peace.

There are logistics to work out and again, I'm trusting that God will work them out when and if necessary.

Thank you for your prayers. I'm on my knees in gratitude that there is even a smidgen of a possibility that this could be part of God's plan. I'm taking this step forward as prayerfully as I can.

Listening to: What else? Go (limited edition) - Newsboys
Pending assignments: 2

God is so good!

Remember how I said I pray that God takes my name to wherever it needs to go so that I can use my writing to provide for my family?

Yeah. About that...

Today I got an email from a band I wrote a profile on a couple of years ago. I've been keeping tabs on them for a while now.

Anywho... they recommended me to their indie label in Toronto to write the bio for their new album coming out in the spring.

Very cool.

Plus I posted an email to an online writer's group I belong referencing a prominent Christian journalist's recent columns.

Someone on the list works with the prominent Christian journalist and asked if she could pass along my post to her. She read it over the phone to my journalistic hero and my hero was said to be touched by my words.

Yeah. Very, very cool.

I can tell you this: God makes the best agent and marketer some days...

Soapbox

I'm up on my soap box. If you don't like political diatribes, just click the back button on your browser and go to one of your favourite websites...

I admit I've had it in for our health care system ever since they closed our rural hospital in my home town. It's not so much that they closed it, it's that they closed it and told us it was the logical thing to do.

They said that. With a straight face.

Logical, eh?

Now say you are in an accident anywhere near Wilkie, they will pack you up into an ambulance and drive 30 minutes further from Saskatoon to the nearest hopsital (in Unity) and then a doctor will look at you and say... yes they are badly injured... you must go to the trauma unit in Saskatoon.

Then they will pack you back up into the ambulance and drive the 2 hour and 30 minute drive to Saskatoon. The first 30 minutes of which will look familiar since you've just driven it.

Makes sense, eh?

(Now I admit they will if you are badly in need of trauma help fly you to Toon Town with a doctor.)

The fact that closing the hospital practically sounds the death nell for a struggling farming community holding on by a thread didn't even fizz on them.

The other part that made no sense to me was their insistence that the hospital in Wilkie wasn't accessed enough to make it worthwhile keeping it open.

Uh-huh. O.k.

The funny part was when we insisted we see numbers, they agreed to keep it open one more month while they monitored usage. They would let those numbers factor into their decision.

At a town hall meeting later they said they found the numbers dubious, because they were "too high". Therefore the community must have accessed the hospital when it wasn't necessary in order to skew their numbers.

I kid you not.

Again, they said it with a straight face like it was the most logical thing in the world, while the rest of us stood there scratching our heads.

To add insult to injury they added since we no longer had a hospital they didn't think we qualified for the two doctors we had. We only qualified for one and a half.

Excuse me? Half a doctor?

Where in the world are we going to find half a doctor? Let alone one willing to come to rural Saskatchewan to a small town with no freakin' hospital?!

Since that day I haven't exactly been a big fan our wonderful health care system. I've taken to calling it "Soviet-style health care" since it seems hell-bent on ensuring everyone receives the lowest common denominator of service.

I also resent the media telling me repeatedly that Canadians don't want two-tier health care. Really? Have they asked us? Because I can name you about fifty people that I know that would be willing to pay a user fee if it meant I don't have to deal the crap that I usually have to deal with when I access our health care system!

Like wait times. Like having wait times to see a specialist so long you should sign up to see them when you're in the cradle! Because if you sign up now you'll be dead by the time you get to see them. Like crabby nurses who are overworked in wards that are understaffed. Like beds they can't open for lack of staff.

My mother brought her dear sweet brother this week into the hospital to have minor surgery in Saskatoon. She had a major run-in with a nurse. No matter how mom tried to broach the subject of him staying in the hospital the night before the surgery, the nurse wouldn't even let her ask the question.

She interrupted her not once, but twice to say, "The answer is no" even before the question had been asked.

My uncle has many problems and his is not a normal case of anything. Surely the extenuating circumstances in his health would allow them to make an exception, right?

Nope.

Instead, they sent my mother and her sister off with a nod and "good luck" to deal with a man who's roughly four or five years old mentally with volatile blood sugar, prone to anxiety attacks all by themselves in a city they don't live in.

To say the next 18 hours were rough would be a giant understatement.

For my uncle to spend TWO nights away from home would be like the rest of us roughing it in the North country surrounded by wolves with no gun for one week.

They didn't even offer him a tranquilizer or something so at least they could have gotten some sleep that night.

When the doctor reviewed his case the next day she said everything seemed fine and had healed up nicely and she gave them a choice of whether to have surgery or not up to them. They opted to wait and see how things go.

When they told the doctor of the nurse's rude behavior the day before, she was shocked. She lamented that if she had known she would have put an order in his chart to have him admitted.

"Rules are made to be broken," she said. "And you ask anyone in this building, I've broken them all!"

(I love this doctor, btw!)

The situation resolved itself rather anticlimatically.

But my point is this: This system simply is designed to maintain the status quo. Excellence in care is the exception not the rule, because the system refuses to listen to those who have a stake in what happens: the patients and their caregivers.

But the media in this country still worship at the altar of universal health care. I'm not convinced it's the best use of our resources.

I AM convinced it's time to at least have a conversation about alternatives.

Writing and other life stuff

I've been feeling something weird these last few weeks. I'm not sure I know how to describe it...

I look at the state of our bank account and I no longer panic that I'm not doing enough.

I've written out my weekly goals and when I don't accomplish them, I'm not beating myself up anymore. I smile at what I accomplished and whisper a prayer that God will continue to provide for my needs.

The last two weeks I've had assignments spring up simply from editors calling editors and asking for names of freelance writers. (There's one lady at the SP I should buy flowers! And I never worked with her in my eight months on staff.)

When I examine my writing business, instead of seeing all the things I haven't accomplished, I see the amazing things God has done. He's brought editors to my doorstep without me even lifting a finger. All my useless fretting and He's used my time at the SP to cultivate relationships with people who've recommended me whenever they've been asked. Without me needing to fret over a thing.

Those recommendations have blossomed into lucrative ongoing (love that ongoing part!) assignments.

It's easy in a feast or famine career to always worry. You always fear there will be a day when editors will stop calling, stop emailing and stop asking. It's a fear that has haunted me and coloured everything I did.

It was like being weighed down with heavy chains. It made a work I love - pure drudgery at times.

For the first time in my life I feel like I'm experiencing ... what is this? Could it be... peace?

I've asked God to bless my writing. I pray each week He will act as my agent and take my name where it needs to go to provide for my family.

I make my list, pray over it and email it to a friend (hi Heather!) for accountability and then I ask God to do what I can not - to control what I can not. I'm just called upon to finish my assignments to the best of my ability and be the best wife and mom I can be. The rest I trust God to do.

And guess what? He does it.

How have I been so blind as to miss this before?

I know I feel so much lighter. I feel free. And I have to admit freedom is something I never been able to associate with Christianity. I must admit this feeling is ... well ... I like it!

And to think all my fussing and fretting kept me shackled, blind and never accomplished what I wanted it to.

Just had to share some of the lessons God has opened my eyes to. Our God is an amazing God.

Listening to: Barbie in Rapunzel

Assignments pending: 1

Faith journeys

This week Richard and I made a harrowing journey to the school to pick up our kids during the worst blizzard in over five decades.

On the way home, facing in the 90 km/h winds I was completely blinded. The wind gusts kept stripping off my hood taking my breathe with it and bringing that freezing cold air down my neck and back and into my ear.

I grabbed my hood and scrunched it around my face to block the gale. In doing so I rendered myself blind. I gave myself a small lookout hole and put my head down.

In order to keep myself from wandering into traffic or a light pole, I grabbed onto a strap on Richard's back pack. I clung to the strap to guide my way. I trusted him to lead me.

I must have been a comical sight. Stumbling blindly through snowdrifts, slipping on icy patches. But I never let go. I just kept going.

The second my breathe hit the air, it condensed to form an icy moustache above my lip. My leg muscles ached as we plowed through stiff drifts of snow, my hand gripping my hood began to throb and I could feel ice crystals forming my eyelashes and face.

Richard often stopped to ask if I was ok. I would always reply, "Keep going."

Whether I was ok, wasn't the point. Keep moving. Don't stop. We're not at our destination yet. Just go.

Then I ran across this enlightening interview with Peter Furler (lead singer with the Newsboys) and Christianity Today in October of '06. He talks about (among other things) how he left the church for almost 15 years and has only come back to it about five years ago.

Go on. Do the math.

I'll wait.

You got it?

That means that the stalwarts of Christian rock music who's been inviting us to live and share the gospel of Jesus Christ for over twenty years were not attending church for the majority of their careers and only came back in about 2001.

Like wow!

It's a stunning revelation. I'll let you read all of the whys and wherefors in the article.

I think in a way it highlighted for me, how much I appreciate open honesty from Christians. I don't need a bunch of people around me who have it all together.

No where in the bible does it say, "Blessed are those who have it all together and never struggle to make Jesus the Lord of their life."

I appreciate so much people who are broken. I don't wish difficult times in the lives of my loved ones, but if they haven't had those painful tribulations I don't know what they could say to me or for that matter anyone about their faith in Jesus Christ. It isn't a faith then. It's just a cerebral set of ideas. An intellectual matter. Nothing personal and certainly nothing life changing.

But in the midst of pain, disappointment and tragedy, then faith becomes faith. It becomes something precious. Something I want in my life.

I think of friends who nearly lost their dad to an often fatal illness and their steadfast prayers, but also their painful acceptance that whatever happened God had it all in hand.

I think of another couple who lost their unborn baby on the day she was to be induced. I'm in awe of the peace they exude even through the tears.

I think of another friend who took the brave step of leaving home for a far off land - where she knew neither the language or customs - knowing it would be difficult, knowing it would be a growing experience that would be (at times) uncomfortable.

Faith only becomes faith when you have nothing left to hang on to. It only becomes something of value when everything else you thought had value suddenly becomes meaningless.

Only then does it become real. Only then does it become truly alive - meaning it grows and changes.

To hear someone I respect for their energetic and profound Christian music speak so openly about their own faith journey - skipping past all the cliches... instead offering a true and real account of what they've gone through and wrestled with - it inspires me to be more vigilant about not wearing that Christian mask I so often slip on.

You know the one. The one that says to the world: I'm fine. Everything's fine. I have no problems and if I did have problems me and Jesus worked it out just fine without you. I don't need prayer and I sure don't need grace. I'm just fine and I fit perfectly in the cookie-cutter image we all have of what a Christian should be and do.

I guess in a nutshell: I want to see people in my life who's faith is not perfect. Who offer me more than mere platitudes when my life falls apart. Who know that this journey in Christ is often a messy sticky gooey chaotic trek. Furthermore I want to be someone like that.

Like me hanging on to my husband's back pack strap in this week's blizzard, we all stumble along through our journey - making mistakes and riding through bumps, often looking less than graceful.

Sometimes we don't walk in a straight line and we often can't see where we're going. And our progress is at times difficult and uncomfortable.

The goal (just like walking in a blizzard) is to keep moving. Don't stop. We haven't reached our destination yet. Just go!


Listening to: Newsboys: Go (limited edition)
Assignments pending: 1

Blizzard

I can now officially say that I have walked to school in knee-deep snow with windchills in the minus 30s into the wind both ways.

As some may be aware Toon Town is experience the clenched fist of old man winter. He wound up and walloped up us but good!

The city has become paralyzed with snow and white-out conditions. On my trek home from work (thanks be to heaven I left work before 11!), I noticed several abandoned cars on eighth street as I crawled home. I was so grateful to reach my driveway!

DH was sent home from work early, too. I told him he was on his own to get home, so a co-worker drove him around 2:00.

We then bundled up to walk and get the kids. We weren't able to get through on the phone to the school (the phone systems have been flaky all day), but we knew they were asking parents to pick up their kids. Because the bus hadn't arrived to pick them up this a.m. I figured they wouldn't be running this afternoon either.

So away we trudged through knee-deep and sometimes thigh- or waist-deep snow drifts. The second my breath hit the cold air it condensed - eventually I had mustache of ice above my lip.

We arrived at school only to discover our kids were riding their bus and the bus had just left minutes before. So we bundled up again and then made the ugly trek back home.

We phone our neighbour to tell her to watch for our kids and take them in when the bus dropped them off in case they arrived home before we did. This turned out to be the case. I was just glad my precious kiddos were spared the frost-bite-and-hypothermia-risking walk from school.

We were all glad to be safe and sound (and warm!) at home.

Our neighbour from across the street got called into work, so we had to watch their two kids. Their dad arrived about a half hour later. He told us of his harrowing journey coming home. It took him almost two hours to get from downtown to here. He said it took him about 30-45 minutes to get off Circle onto eighth street because of the uphill slope. Then he made the mistake of trying to get onto 14th - which the police had closed earlier.

But all that I know are safe and sound. God is good. He is our Shield and Protector.

A new year - no more worry

To revisit Christmas:
We were off to Dauphin for five days and I dare say I feel the tiniest bit guilty for doing absolutely nothing for those five days. It was fabulous, though! The massive amounts of stress I felt before the holidays seemed to be slowly peeled away.

Next we visited my mom and her family for two days in Wilkie. I got to see aunts and uncles and have lunch with my Grandma - a spry lady at the age of 93 with a will of iron. It brought back so many memories to sit at that table and eat sausage with potatoes and noodles. Yum!

We came back to Saskatoon and spent two days shopping. We were looking for shelves for Logan's room. I also bought several bins so we can sort out all his toys into these bins. Hopefully, it will be easier for him to keep his room clean and neat... she says with a rueful laugh...

I got spoiled by my family this year. Richard bought me a new crockpot with matching mini crockpot - both in stainless steel. Mikaela gave me a "spin spa" - a battery powered brush with various attachments to use in the shower to exfoliate and massage. You can even put your favourite shower gel inside the sponge. Logan bought me a foot spa and massager. I shall be very well massaged and relaxed it would seem!

One of my favourite gifts was wrapped in green paper and topped with a huge green bow. Inside were two shirts - a Roughrider sweatshirt and a Roughrider tank top. Woohoo! I'm set for football season.

Another favourite was my hubby's other gift of Alias season one. We spent the week enjoying every suspenseful, action-packed minute.

With the money my mom gave me I bought myself new work out clothes and a strength training book for women. The book is awesome. I started my new workout routine yesterday and my abs and arms feel it today! Oh boy!

Looking forward:
The gift I bought for myself were two books: The Power of a Praying Wife (actually part of a three-in-one book - so it includes the Power of a Praying Parent and the Power of a Praying Woman as well) and the journal to accompany Praying the Names of God. This gift may turn out to be the most important.

I've decided to make prayer and Bible reading more of a priority in 2007. So far I have learned so much. I feel like a new person already.

For starters I've learned I don't need to worry. While that may not seem like much of lesson, for this all-star fretter it's absolutely huge.

I've always felt - specifically in the last two years, especially since I left the SP - that I was supposed to be doing something else. I watched in envy as everyone else's life around me seemed to have such focus and purpose. I watched as those I knew pursued educational goals, family goals, career goals, etc and had them all come true. I was both envious and frustrated. And it fueled this deep-seated restlessness that I should be doing something else somewhere else.

But what?

I didn't know.

My prayers brought little relief, as well. I was so angry and disillusioned with God, I felt He had abandoned me completely. And the loneliness was unlike anything I had felt before.

In the meantime we tried to by a house - but that didn't work out. More pain. More disappointment. Where was God anyway?

Over the holidays I felt like God was saying in that still and quiet voice:

"JJ don't have to do anything else. You don't have to make more money or work at a different job. I have called you to do these two things - write and work at the CPC for now. It's only for a season. All you need to focus on is doing those to the best of your ability and focus on being the best wife and mom you can be. That's your job. I'll take care of the rest."

I feel like a hundred pound weight was lifted off my chest. It's such a relief it's almost hard to explain. It took a long time but I think God finally got through this thick skull of mine!

I've chosen some theme verses for this year:

Don't be afraid. I am with you. Don't tremble with fear. I am your God. I will make you strong, as I protect you with my arm and give you victories. Isaiah 41:10

Where you go, I will watch over you, then later I will bring you back to this land. I won't leave you - I will do all I have promised. Genesis 28:15

God bless you as you prepare for the new adventures of 2007. May God guide you, bless you and make His face to shine upon you and give you His precious peace.

Listening to: blessed silence
Assignments pending: 1