Down

Life was trucking along. Things weren't perfect but then things never are, never will be.

But things were going... we were moving forward at least - we may have been jostling along in the back of a pick up on a grid road at 60 mph, but still... things were moving along.

In the space of a day I've gone from excited at my family coming back home from various parts of the province to devastated.

The meltdowns have returned.

And this time I'm bitter. Bit. Er.

I do everything the same. There are certain things I just don't mess with because I know a big fight is in store. I obsess about routines and habits - knowing the less I have to tell him to do and the more he remembers on his own, the fewer squabbles we will have.

Yet, none of it matters.

My prayers accomplish nothing. And the peaceful existence I thought had carved out for myself shatters into pieces so small they might as well be specks of dust.

I don't understand, God. I don't understand.

It always throws me for a loop. And writing becomes a painful process - as evidenced by the tears on my keyboard tonight. How do you emotionally regroup when your heart aches?

So I'm looping Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars in the background and waiting out the tide of grief.

There's still assignments to complete. There's still work to be done. There are clients to make happy. And others to chat with tomorrow.

If I just lay here... would you lie with me and just forget the world?