House update

The house hunt is officially over.

It pains me to say this, but the builder wouldn't accept our back up offer. (Is there something wrong with us? Who turns down a back up offer? Do we stink?)

And it was a slim chance the original deal would fall through anyway.

The duplexes Jastek will be offering up for sale next week in Stonebridge start at $260,000 - $270,000. Which is out of our price range.

Our agent called every builder in the city - every one of them is sold out in the under $300,000 range - except Hampton Village.

We looked in Hampton Village, but they also have gone up in price within the last two weeks and now start at $260,000 as well.

So I've said it before (and perhaps I'll say it again): we're officially done. If nothing comes up by the end of next week, we will re-invest our RRSPs and close this chapter in our lives - at least for now.

You'd think I'd have gotten used to the disappointment by now, but it still stings. I am praying God will give me a thankful heart. I want to walk in contentment and peace. I want to cultivate a grateful spirit for all the blessings He has given us.

Listening to: my kids eat popcorn and watch Space: 1999.
Pending assignments: 1

Wednesday waiting and wondering

If you haven't looked outside yet, I'd suggest you go back to bed and give it a few days.

Ick!

Anyway...

No news on any front. I won't hear about the job until late this week and we won't hear about the house until Friday.

When there is news, I will post it. I promise.

So in a few days my life could look drastically different.

Or not.

Who knows? Either way, God is blessing us. And I am determined to walk in His ways through the trials and the blessings.

In the meantime... I am learning patience. Slowly.

Listening to: FREE 100.3
Pending assignments: 0!

No news and so much news

I'm supposed to be working right now on this massively huge assignment, so this post will be short.

House news:
Long story short: we're buying new. Gave up on the resale market and found a new agent. Tomorrow we put our offer in on a house we like in Stonebridge. If that fails we will have to decide between Hampton Village (westside south of the airport) or a new duplex in Stonebridge.

Other news:
I had a job interview last week. I was very excited about it to begin with. Then when I got there I realized it wasn't as flexible as I had hoped.

The job is part time (2-4 days a week) writing newsletters, editing magazines and updating websites for several agricultural associations. I won't hear about it until the end of this week.

I feel like everything is still very up in the air. I hate that feeling.

I have been praying over the last two days, seeking God's face in this areas - asking for his insight, his blessing and his leading.

I will keep you all posted.

Listening to: Building 429: Rise
Pending assignments: 1 (super huge very large feature for the SP - on the Saskatoon Real Estate Board - oh the irony!)

Several things

1. I woke up this morning and apparently it's December again. What's up with that? Spring showers aren't supposed to come in the form of snow.

2. Another day, another house, another offer. Will keep you posted.

3. I'm reading a book on finding balance and finding it such a wonderful blessing. The title is Balance that Works When Life Doesn't. The author tackles both spiritual and physical balance in our lives - which I found a refreshing change for a Christian author. Over the coming days I will share some of the nuggets of truth I have discovered within its pages.

For starters: Take ground on the good days. In other words, on days when you feel strong - make those dietary and fitness changes. On those days when you're busting with energy step outside your comfort zone - go a little further, do a little more. This applies to physical disciplines and spiritual ones as well. Then on the days when you are bone tired and the most you can muster for a prayer time is to lift your gaze to heaven, you can still feel like you're making progress.

Another one: You are God's very precious treasure. Everything you do matters to Him because He loves you. Meditate on that one for a while and see if it impacts your outlook on life.

4. I'm learning to count my blessings. Here a few I enjoyed this morning so far:

• The beautiful hue of the sky as the sun rose. The clouds were a delightful pale golden pink. God wakes up every morning and paints the sky just to show me how much He loves me.
• I got to walk my kids to the bus this morning and we had fun slipping on the ice under all the snow. It's quite the dance you can do as you try to keep your balance.
• The sunlight pouring through my windows at work. We are blessed with very large windows here.
• The piles of clothing donations that were here when I got here today. God bless people for sharing what they have with others. That must make God smile.
• I have enjoyed the quiet time at work, just praying and praising God. That must make Him smile, too.

Listening to: Free 100.3 (I'm at work)
Assignments pending: 1

Bummed

The offer was not accepted. The sellers accepted a higher offer. This was not unexpected, but still disappointing.

Still the day wasn't totally depressing. I am now the paper boy for the surrounding two blocks.

Weird, I know. But I took it on, so that my son can inherit the route at some point. And since we are not moving anywhere anytime soon... I figured why not?

I also have other news I will post about later in the week. (Don't want to jinx it!)

Listening to: Space 1999
Pending assignments: 1

Offer made...

Now we wait. Our hopes are not high. We realize the very best offer we could pull together isn't going to be enough to get us this house.

And that's ok. Something else will come along.

We are discouraged for the moment, but not without hope.

Blogging

Thank you for all the kind responses to my tumultuous Wednesday. Wait no... that was Thursday. Sigh.

Anyway, thank you.

The purpose for me sharing these kinds of posts is to show the process of temporarily giving in to despair and then finding your senses again. The process of dealing with the everyday frustrations of life.

Being a Christian doesn't make a person immune to moments of self-pity and despair. I'm certainly not, anyway!

But I hope by sharing these raw experiences others can find something useful for themselves. Not because I'm so great, but because He is. He's the foundation we can stand on. No matter what, no matter when. Every time.

Listening to: CBC Kids
Pending assignments: 1

Good news, bad news and other news

Good news: I have two fabulous children! I know this because my children's teachers told me so this morning. As though there was any doubt in my mind...

Bad news: Saw house this a.m. Loved the area. Hated the house. My rule: do not buy a house with cracks in walls, ceilings and/or water damage around all upstairs windows and the ceiling of basement.

Depression moved in. Despair followed.

Badder news: Car died.

Not the kind of sudden dying where you know if you just boost the stupid thing everything will be right as rain.

No... the kind of slow painful death where you know something is wrong, but the soonest you can get it into the shop is tomorrow morning but you have to drive it anyway even though it chugs and sputters and coughs only to have the 'CHECK ENGINE' light come on and suddenly by God's grace the mechanics have an opening today and by another act of God's grace the person who had booked the loaner car didn't show up so you get to take it so you won't be carless while the mechanics diagnose the problem.

I do not possess the spiritual gift of prophecy or foreknowledge, but my personal prediction is the bill will exceed the worth of the car. By A LOT. I honestly believe this car is done. Toast. To quote N'Sync... Bye, bye bye...

Do you doubt me?

Wouldn't that require a colossal change in the wind of luck which lately seems hell-bent on our destruction?

And the likelihood of that happening is...?

Yeah. Thought so.

Depression and despair made themselves cozy.

Other news: house came up in our area. Absolutely gorgeous! Couldn't list all the things I love about it. Completely decked out.

Question: does it even matter now? Can we afford it? What about after the car bleeds us dry, can we afford it then?

Answer: dunno. But I do know Who has the answers, right?

I'm on my knees beating down His door right now with tears streaming down my face, but all I can manage to sputter out is "Help".

There is a lot of stress in my life right now. More than I can detail here.

In the midst of all this turmoil, how can I find God's peace? How can I hear his voice? I know He desire to bless me. And I so often I settle for second best when His best is waiting for me.

Where is the line between taking a leap of faith and a jump of stupidity?

Good news: I don't even know what to pray anymore.

Thankfully, God knows what we need before we do. So I know He is working at these things in His own time. He's working upstream in our lives. I can feel it. There is a blessing in all this somewhere. I know it!

Gave depression and despair a kick in the butt!

UPDATE #1:

Gooder news: Repairs to car: $240. Knowing you don't have to dip (further) into credit to make your vehicle driveable: priceless!

Happily willing to eat crow on this one! I was way off.

God is so good! He is looking after us. Thankfully I set aside a certain part of every paycheque specifically for car repairs. (I have learned from experience: when the car runs set aside money for when it doesn't!)

And guess what? The amount in there right now nicely covers this unexpected expense. God bless our car repair account! You have no idea how many times this account has save our ass!

In the meantime, I got an assignment from Canwest. The amount of the assignment also covers the amount of this car expense. When God is good... He's really good!


Listening to: my kids play
Assignments pending: none for the moment... thank the good Lord up above! UPDATE: now 1!

Prayer request

A house just came up. Sounds very juicy. Location and specs we want.

Please pray.

We're going to be moving very quickly on this. Our offer won't even be subject to conditions of financing. (Holy crap, batman!)

In addition, we'll be throwing as much money as we can at it.

Please, God, please... let this be the one!

In other news...

I'm at home with a sick kid today. I'm also not feeling well. Huge headache.


Listening to: Kids CBC
Pending assignments: 1

Interesting request

I just received an email asking me to judge a non-fiction writing contest.

What an interesting challenge. Someone wants my opinion of their work.

Tres cool.

Listening to: nothing
Pending assignments: as of a few minutes ago... 1

Monday morning musings

A dear sister of mine shared with me recently her doubts and fears. She's questioning whether God really cares about her and her situation.

My heart ached as I pondered her story and I found tears welling up in my eyes. It was like she'd opened my skull and copied down the thoughts that have droned on day in and day out.

I've watched my own dreams whither and die. It seems I no longer have the strength to keep them alive some days. I'm too busy just trying to keep up with my life.

I, too, have wondered if God's promises for blessing and protection are for someone else and not me.

Why do some people achieve their dreams in a heartbeat while the rest of watch as ours sail further and further away?

Does God reward some? Punish others? Is it just random? Or are some people destined to always pay a price for just being in the wrong place at the wrong time? Or never being in the right place at the right time?

I don't know the answers. Not today. I believe that God is working upstream in my life and in my sister's life. Yet it does seem some days like it's waaay upstream.

In the meantime, it's hard not to grow bitter at the injustice of it all, you know?

And what's the cure for bitterness? Anger? Frustration? Continual disappointment?

I know what the fruit of these things are. But how do you cure it? How do you stop it?

I've spent the last several days trying to focus my attention on cultivating an attitude of gratitude. Sounds cheesy and oh so Oprah!, and so far I've only had moments of reprieve.

I admit I can't fight it alone, but instead I ask for the strength of Christ to help me.

But it's a struggle.

For some reason, I find it so encouraging that my sister has some of the same struggles. Perhaps we can both find the relief we need as we lift each other up in prayer.


Listening to: Greg Sczebel: Here to Stay
Pending assignments: 2

The yearly thaw and sneeze

1. Spring has sprung! For the moment anyway. I've lived here too long to truly trust that spring is here to stay until roughly May. While I welcome the wonderful reprieve from cold, snow and ice, I have not enjoyed what comes with it...

Allergies.

Snow mold. I don't know what it is or even if it exists. I only know when the snow starts melting I want to claw my eyes out of my skull and rub my nose right off my face.

Last night I was hit with an attack that had me sneezing and sniffling and rubbing my eyes. Eventually my eyes felt like someone had poured sand into them. It felt like they should make an audible scraping noise when I blinked.

Gross.

I ended up taking an Advil cold and sinus caplet (wonderful stuff!), and I was able to breathe and stop sneezing long enough to make muffins with Mikaela. The family also played a couple of games of UNO before bed.

When I woke up this morning I felt great. Tired, but I expected that. No matter how long you sleep after an allergy attack like that you always feel drained after.

Well, that great feeling was short lived. My throat is raw, my eyes are puffy and red again and I'm started to sneeze. I've also gotten more and more stuffed up as the morning wears on...

I'm going to take something now...

I'm so excited spring is here! Snow is melting. Just let me grab my tissues and allergy meds so I can enjoy it!

2. Still trying to buy a house. At this point we're just going through the motions. I'm convinced there is no hope of us getting a house in this market.

We are considering making an offer on a house this weekend. Which will most likely be an exercise in futility.

3. Busy weekend with house hunting, birthday parties, BIL visiting from Regina, fixing a flat tire, and all the other household duties that arrive on the weekend. So I better keep moving...!

Listening to: newsboys: Go (seriously if you haven't purchased this album... do it soon!)
Pending assignments: 2

Why buying a house sucks

No matter how many times we think we have everything in place to get back to househunting, we find we are mistaken.

I hate house hunting. Hate. It.

Instead of having this wonderful experience buying our first home together, it has turned into this emotional roller coaster of mammoth proportions. I had visions of an interesting adventure not a nightmare with a tragic end.

Just when we think we understand everything our mortgage broker is saying, our financial planner says it can't be done.

And then we go to our realtor who says it can. Then back we go to the mortgage broker who explains it again.

And round and round we go.

Meanwhile, house prices in Saskatoon are creeping up by the second. Right now most houses are going for roughly $25,000 over list price. And list prices are nothing to sneeze at.

We just can't compete in this market.

A house on the East side of Saskatoon recently sold in a day - with 14 showings that day.

There's no way little old us have the moxy or the buying power to ever have an accepted offer.

The only ones who can have a postal code starting with T. The rest of us poor mutts are getting shut out.

So the final bell for the final round is about to ding. And we will have given up. There is no stone unturned. There is no resource not tapped.

No amount of tears or cheesecake could cure the disappointment we both feel. Instead of enjoying the adventure of buying our first home, we find ourselves forever soured on the market.

Finances will not bar us from buying a house in the future. The determining factor will be whether we have the stomach to go through the heartache and frustration of househunting again.

I'm not sure my nerves can handle another round of disappointment.

For those of you who purchased houses before the great housing boom get on your knees and thank God. You have no idea how you have been blessed.

As a silver lining - perhaps there's an article here... hmm...

Listening to: my kids play and build with friends
Pending assignments: none still!

Fender-bender or tail-light cracker

I got into my very first fender-bender yesterday. It was more like a tail-light cracker.

It was bound to happen. Icy conditions and well... we do live in Saskatchewan after all, where we spend the better part of six months driving through ice, snow and other hazards.

As I was pulling out of my parking spot at Safeway, a smaller SUV was also pulling out. Unfortunately, we pulled out into each other's path. I spotted the other vehicle first and immediately braked and laid on my horn. I struggled to switch gears while still honking - hoping to alert the other driver to my presence. Everyone in the parking lot stood still to watch this slow motion accident.

I was unsuccessful in alerting the driver however, but I think I did help prevent what could have wrought even more damage.

I barely felt the impact, but I did hear a crunch and I knew that wasn't good.

The only damage to my car was a chipped tail light. It could have been worse. The tail light broke right next to the trunk. If we had collided at a higher speed (as we were initially going to before I stopped) our trunk lid would probably have sustained damage as well.

The only damage to the other vehicle was some rather nasty looking scrapes to their spare tire cover. The vehicle owner insisted those marks were from a previous fender bender earlier in the week.

I think I shall watch out for a small grey SUV... two minor accidents in one week! Enough reason to stay I wary, I'd wager.

Anywho, although we will have to get a new tail light, with any luck on our side (and you know we have very little!) we can find the needed piece at a local auto wrecking place. We've found parts there before for our vehicles, so we shall pray they have a Plymouth Breeze with a driver's side tail light intact.

Listening to: Greg Sczebel (I'm in a mellow mood)
Assignments pending: 0!

Breathing

Finished my last assignment on Friday. I've spent the last two days discovering what many others appear to enjoy on a regular basis... free time.

What is this?

Oh my. What do I do with myself? I actually had a Saturday to just do... whatever.

Wow. I like it! To God and Bruce in Bruce Almighty... s'goood...!

I made chocolate chip cookies with Mik. She also helped me make supper - Turkey Saltimbocca with buttered angel hair pasta. She even ate it!

Today I've gone shopping for ingredients to the appetizer for small group tonight.

(In the process I got in a minor fender-bender. My very first. More on this and the damage it caused in the next few days... I'm sure).

After getting back I've sat with my feet up and relaxed while watching Richard play nintendo and the kids build stuff with lego. Seriously, could anything be more mundane?

But I like mundane. It's quite relaxing actually. And it feels so great not to be rushing or feel pressure to do something. It's pure bliss not to have a deadline hanging over my head.

This breather is such a blessing.

This attitude is a far cry from where I was when I woke up this morning. I made the big mistake of checking our bank account before going to church.

I should know better.

Instead of walking into church feeling encouraged and happy to worship together with my brothers and sisters in Christ... I felt blue.

Frustrated, too.

I write so much and feel like I'm not accomplishing anything. I feel sometimes like it's all a wasted effort. How can I work so hard, be so frazzled and still be behind all the time? Why don't I have anything to show for it?

(Keep in mind those nine articles I wrote in February, plus one in March already, I have yet to be paid for. So I am owed a lot of money at the moment. Those payments should start trickling in this week. I think. I hope.)

But as I got ready for church, I fumed.

God, I've been praying for two years for a fulltime writing job. I've been praying for even a part time writing job, so I could keep freelancing. You've answered my brothers' and sisters' prayers around me. Why not mine? We've prayed for a house and yet we've encountered nothing but obstacles and bad luck. Do you not hear? Why is it just my prayers you can not answer?

I wondered about all this as we pulled into the church parking lot. Then I thought of the words to a simple chorus I remember from my childhood - We bring sacrifice of praise...

I love that song - mainly because it was the only song that went through my head the morning I was baptized at the age of 13. I've never forgotten it. Nor will I ever forget the words...

We bring sacrifice of praise
Into the house of the Lord
We bring sacrifice of praise
Into the house of the Lord

And we offer up to You
The sacrifices of thanksgiving
And we offer up to You
The sacrifices of joy

The word 'sacrifice' implies a cost. You're not sacrificing if you're not giving something costly - something of tremendous value.

So here I was having a pity party for one, as we walked into church. I prayed that God would accept my offerings of praise and thankgiving.

Because no matter what I'm going through, God is still God. And he still deserves my praise and thanksgiving for his constant watchful care.

Sometimes I don't see his hand in my life. Sometimes it appears he has left circumstances to chance all around me.

But instead of giving in to this feeling, today I chose to embrace him. I chose to bring my sacrifices of praise, thanksgiving and joy.

I trust in his love. I trust in his plan. I don't get it and today I confess I might even doubt the existence of his plan for my life - let alone that it could be a plan for blessing... but I will choose to believe it anyway.

Now I must toss together a vegetable pizza for our small group potluck! Ack!

Listening to: Mikaela telling me about the house she built with a front yard and back yard with a pool. I like it!
Pending assignments: none! Woohoo!
Houses looked at: 1

Hopes dashed

Last week's enthusiasm and optimism on buying a house were completely premature.

The finances we had hoped would fall into place did not.

So house hunting is again done. For at least a year.

I don't know what else to say. I'm disappointed. Frustrated. Discouraged.

But perhaps God has a very good reason for all this. Perhaps He will have a remarkable way of turning it around.

Tonight I'm off to birthday party on the other side of the city. I'm not sure how I feel about trekking out on these roads right now, but I'm not the one driving! And that's just fine with me.

After the bday celebration, we will be heading over to Vangelli's on Broadway in support of a friend of mine who's band is doing their first gig since last August.

It's a social event and a date night all in one!

Listening to: the news (yawn!)
Pending assignments: 1, but I see another one sitting in my inbox that I haven't read yet...

Down to one!

Yes!

Doing a happy Snoopy dance here!

I've had nine articles to write in the month of February. I just finished number eight. My third for this week alone!

Number nine is a major centre spread for Living Light News and due Monday. I just finished the interview this morning.

Tomorrow I get to rest and relax. I have coffee planned with a friend in the morning and then a whole afternoon to just do whatever.

Can I tell you how exciting that sounds right now? Do... whatever. Ahhh...

After I send in this last assignment on Monday I will truly be done for the month. I hope.

(Although any editors out there are welcome to send more assignments my as the month is not yet over... and hey nine articles in a month is crazy, but so is 10... or 11...!)

Listening to: Logan make himself iced-tea with his dad's frother (it's gets all foamy)
Pending assignments: 1! WOOHOO!

Cookin'

I love to cook. It is yet another way I use my creativity. And this one blesses my family directly everyday.

Perhaps that's why making a meal plan and and cooking healthy foods gives me such joy. My kids don't enjoy these foods near as much as I do... yet, anyway!

I figure if they are exposed to it when they are young, they will think it is normal. And hopefully the eating habits they observe their parents demonstrating day in and day out will have an impact.

They are getting better at trying new things.

I watched an episode of Dr. Phil a few weeks ago about obese children. It just about broke my heart to hear their stories. To start off so young and have their view of food and nutrition so horribly skewed.

And these well-meaning, but horrificly mis-informed and mis-guided parents! Giving our kids healthy food is one way we bless them, not just today but for days to come. Start them early!

Today we are having Cream of Broccoli soup with butter pan buns from Safeway. (Does Safeway not have the best buns in the city...?)

Every meal is also adorned with a big bowl of raw veggies. Many people serve salad, but none of us are salad eaters. Raw veggies my kids go nuts for.

So I make dip and buy their favourite vegetables to cut up together. I also serve low fat cheese at most meals to give Logan his calcium requirements as he does not like milk.

Cooking also helps me to release tension. Baking bread is the ultimate in stress relief.

I cook as much as I can from scratch. I figure it's healthier that way. I avoid mixes and prepared foods as much as possible.

Lest you think I am some sort of genius chef, I can assure that is not the case. My cooking skills are pretty rudimentary.

I will share a secret...

The Dinner Diva. She is an absolute gem. She sends me an email once a week with a meal plan for six dinners and a grocery list. I print it off and like today I go to the store to buy everything I need for the week.

It costs about $30 a year, but my sanity is worth it. I never have to wonder what's for supper. What a blessing that is! And that in turn blesses my family.

So I thought I would share with you one of my favourite blessings. If you think you'd like to cook more or cook healthier meals, but don't know where to start - check out The Dinner Diva.

She also has new recipe bundles for those who like to freeze meals ahead of time. Great for working moms! She has several different style of menus for those with special dietary needs like low carbs or heart-healthy, etc.

Now I'm off to finish making supper and then nose to the keyboard... er... grindstone it will be for me!

Listening to: my children make themselves ice-tea with their dad's frother.
Pending assignments: 3 (minus one tonight when I finish the latest!)

Apologies

I didn't mean to alarm anyone with my post last night.

Have you ever had one of those days? A day that taxes every ounce of patience you have? A day that jumps you a dark alley and beats the crap out of you and leaves you in a sobbing heap?

Yeah. That's the kind of day I had.

But I tried to end on a positive note. Life still must go on. The earth keeps spinning on its axis and we must gather ourselves up and try again.

When life kicks us in the teeth we simply get up and brush ourselves off and continue on.

I shall pick myself up again and again. And each time I will learn a little.

There are just times when we must allow ourselves a few moments of self-pity, a few moments of oh-my-gosh-life-is-so-hard whining, before we carry on.

I'll be focusing the next few days on self-care - taking care of my physical (eating properly - no junk food, no pepsi), spiritual (sipping, renewing, and refreshing from the well of God's grace), emotional/psychological, and social needs (meeting with friends and staying in contact with those I love through email).

As well I'll be taking some time to refill the creative reservoir by watching lots of movies and doing some creative crafting.

I also plan to try and catch some curling action over the weekend.

Listening to: blessed silence
Pending assignments: 3 - bless 'em!

Down

Life was trucking along. Things weren't perfect but then things never are, never will be.

But things were going... we were moving forward at least - we may have been jostling along in the back of a pick up on a grid road at 60 mph, but still... things were moving along.

In the space of a day I've gone from excited at my family coming back home from various parts of the province to devastated.

The meltdowns have returned.

And this time I'm bitter. Bit. Er.

I do everything the same. There are certain things I just don't mess with because I know a big fight is in store. I obsess about routines and habits - knowing the less I have to tell him to do and the more he remembers on his own, the fewer squabbles we will have.

Yet, none of it matters.

My prayers accomplish nothing. And the peaceful existence I thought had carved out for myself shatters into pieces so small they might as well be specks of dust.

I don't understand, God. I don't understand.

It always throws me for a loop. And writing becomes a painful process - as evidenced by the tears on my keyboard tonight. How do you emotionally regroup when your heart aches?

So I'm looping Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars in the background and waiting out the tide of grief.

There's still assignments to complete. There's still work to be done. There are clients to make happy. And others to chat with tomorrow.

If I just lay here... would you lie with me and just forget the world?