Blessings

Much of what I'm thinking today comes from the book we are studying this fall as a church. It's called Second Guessing God - Hanging On When You Can't See His Plan.

When I heard the title of the book I thought, Oh boy, this book is for you, J.J.

The last year or two of my life have been some of the most intensely painful I've ever endured. I've lost a dream job and all the financial security and personal fulfillment that it brought. I lost a dear friend. A family relationship was badly damaged. My husband developed chronic health issues. And my son began acting out with uncontrolled rages again.

The rug has been pulled out from under me so often I thought after a while I'd just stay on the ground and wallow in my despair. It seemed easier, besides it's much less painful to fall from down here. My heart felt like it was being slowly cut into pieces. Not since my divorce have I faced such seemingly unending personal traumas and conflict.

I've often looked around and wondered, Why, God? Why?

Yet in the midst of my anguish and fury, God has never seemed so eerily silent or so distant to me as he has these last months. I've tried to stumble on, but it's hard when the journey is dark and the road is rough.

It's hard for me to look at all those heart-wrenching experiences and believe that God has a purpose in all that. I've journaled, I've prayed, I've read, I've ranted to friends, family and a therapist. All to no avail.

I haven't conquered any of those traumas. The loss of my job, even though it was only a temporary assignment, still haunts me (and our finances).

The loss of my friend still makes the world a teensy bit lonelier every day. The family relationship is still weird and awkward. Dear hubby's problems cause our family added stress. And our wonderful son and his outbursts have caused me to shed more tears than I care to think about.

There are days when I pray but the words sound hollow even to my ears and instead of feeling like I've got God's ear, I feel like I'm talking to a cold stone statue. So my prayers have become short. And most of my conversations with God consist of praise and worship songs I sing with. Though it's usually accompanied by a short, "I don't really feel like worshipping you, God, but You are worthy of my praise no matter what."

Because even if God never answers another one of my prayerful pleas, even if he never comforts another of my heart wrenching sobs... even if all the days of my life were torturous and miserable, God would still deserve my praise.

I keep taking those awkward, stumbling steps down a dimly lit rocky path. Some days are better than others. Most days, like today, I feel like I'm face down in the sand.

I titled this post blessings for a reason. It might not seem like an applicable title, but you see there times like this in a spiritual desert, in painful journeys of our lives when what is unimportant is stripped away. It doesn't matter. The blessing is what's truly important remains. Our priorities become more focused in a way that is not possible in the good times.

I've never fully understood James 1:2 - 4 like I do now.

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have it's perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Yes, there is purpose here. There is blessing here.