Offer submitted

Are ya sick of our house hunting saga yet?

Yeah. So are we.

Tonight we put in an offer on what will be one of our favourite houses. It has everything we have wanted and a few things we have wished for.

Our offer included a letter we hope will give the owners a peek into our plight. Our desperate, I'm-so-sick-of-house-hunting, pullleeease accept our offer.

We will know probably late tomorrow night.

Will keep y'all posted...

Updates

No house.

We're feeling more confident and more optimistic though. (Despite reports last weekend of a small bungalow going for 50 over list in Haultain of all places!)

We know that this is a difficult market. We know that we're batting with two strikes against us(no equity and no desire to submit an offer without asking for a home inspection).

We have broadened our search somewhat. We've looked at a couple of houses in Martensville. Nothing has worked out so far. But I believe and I choose to stand firmly on hope.

I said to Richard the other day in a moment of near despair..."We have half the countryside praying for us!"

After a moment of thought, I added, "Imagine how bad things would be if we didn't have anyone praying!"

We'd be living in a tent on one of the University campuses I have a feeling... or we'd have a house that would be sitting in rubble around us...

It's enough to make a person shudder.

Seriously, thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your patience with us as we have become a one note song as of late.

For those who have sat with us, cried with us, hugged us and loved us through one of the most frustrating seasons of our lives we thank you. We are blessed to have so many near to us (and far away from us) who have been such a wonderful support to us.

So thank you.

The lessons of this temporary desert (at least I hope it's temporary!) have been many. Richard and I have learned many hard lessons in trusting our instincts, trusting our REALTOR (R) and learning to trust each other. After ten years of marriage we always have something new to learn about each other.

Another lesson is simply that patience is not something acquired quickly.

Instead of focusing on how difficult of a trial this has been, I have been shifting my focus to what a blessing those lessons have been. When another trial comes (perhaps even more difficult than just trying to find a material possession) I am certain the lessons from this desert experience will come back to bless us.

Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life, which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. James 1:12.

Listening to: not a thing! (that's odd... let me put on some Newsboys quick...!)
Pending assignments: 4... I think...

Sigh...

For those who haven't yet heard, we didn't get the house in Martensville.

I'm not sure I have much to say. You'd think the disappointment would hurt less after this many times.

We'll still keep plugging away, but no house we ever get will be worth this much stress, time, energy or pain.

My newly-rekindled hope has now faded again.

Listening to: Mikaela each tortillas and watch Lord of the Beans
Pending Assignments: 3

Miscellaneous thoughts on Saturday

I suck.

I suck at giving my problems to God. I'm so used to carrying them myself. Trying to control everything myself is exhausting. Does anybody have a solution for this. Is there a pill I can take? An herbal remedy maybe?

I'm totally grumpy today. My head hurts. The snow mold allergies have returned with a vengence. I'm managing, but with a steady stream of advil.

We also went to look at a house today. It was lovely. Really lovely.

It's in Martensville.

Mar. tens. ville.

Didn't really want to move outside the city, but we have no choice.

Still the location is lovely. The house is lovely. The deck is lovely. The yard is lovely. I'm certain my man would even say the 24 X 24 insulate garage was also lovely - even though it did need a wee bit of work.

(We're making an offer on it today. We'll know if it's ours by tomorrow night. Will update you all then!)

Aside: I'm also heartened about our prospects by the fact more and more houses are being listed. In the last 24 hours 93 houses have hit the MLS system in Saskatoon! That's an awful lot compared to a few weeks ago.

With an offer pending, I'm worried and afraid to even hope. Having so many offers rejected makes a person skittish, you know? Afraid to trust. Afraid to let go.

In addition, I've let a couple of things really eat at my this week. And they really have no place in my life and no reason to eat up my strength and energy. They're not mine to fuss over.

In short: they don't belong in my bag!

They belong in God's.

So here is my attempt at trying to hand them over to him: (again!)

Dear my heavenly father;

Lord, I have taken several things from your back and put them in mine. They are weighing me down. They have sapped my strength and exhausted my joy. My patience has worn thread bare by trying to carry burdens that aren't mine to carry.

Lord, I give them back to you. I place them and my whole being in your hands. Let your will be done with them. With all of my worry and misplaced energy, have I helped these issues even a little? Of course not. I wasted my energy.

Lord, no matter how many times I grab them back, help me to remember that they are not mine to fret about. They are yours and I have given them to you. Help me to let go. Help me to not be afraid of letting go.

Jesus help me to take up your yoke instead. And walk in your rest.

Father, thank you for the beautiful warm sunshine today. Thank you for the many blessings you give us each day. Thank you that I am surrounded by friends and family who love me and family. Thank you for friends and family that I can bless right back.

In the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen.

Listening to: Outkast - Hey Ya!

Pending assignments: 2

Thoughts on a Friday

(I really need to come up with better titles.)

Here's something I've learned recently. If you're weighted down with something you can't move too quickly. In fact, your overall coordination will be tasked - leaving you stumbling and unable to accomplish the physical demands you may normally find simple.

This I realized this morning as I hauled around a bag of Friday papers - complete with massive top package (also known as a bundle of flyers).

If I didn't split my route in two I wouldn't be able to lift the bag over my head with all the papers! In fact, the second part of my route is the bigger part and it takes all my strength to waddle down the first few blocks with papers hanging in the front pouch and another glob of papers smacking me in the butt.

I'm pretty sure there are several early-risers on my route that are getting a good chuckle as I sway and stagger down the street under the weight.

I walk the equivalent of 14 blocks with this mega-ton clingon.

By the end I'm moving a good clip. I'm usually famished by then and also fairly chilled. I want nothing more than some warm tea, a banana, and yogurt. (Toast follows later!)

Of course, as I go through the route I deposit my papers and my bag becomes lighter. Imperceptibly at first, but then all of a sudden I walk with a steadier gait and my speed increases.

I realized today as I stepped on the treadmill how much easier it was to just start walking - briskly even. No large cumbersome bag swinging back and forth to knock me off balance. Just me. Just my legs, arms and body working seamlessly together.

What is my point?

Good question.

I wonder if this isn't true spiritually, too. You know, how often do I struggle - weighted down by my own worries - and I can't move gracefully through life. Instead I stumble and fall, totter and lurch.

I look anything but graceful.

Usually because I'm carrying a load I'm not meant to carry. No one has to go through their day carrying a heavy bag of Friday edition papers. (Although for an experiment, it might be fun to watch.)

So as I think of my week - how I've stumbled and staggered - I realize I've taken several concerns and issues from God's bag and put them in mine.

And their heavy.

Real heavy.

And I don't need to carry them anymore. They aren't mine to begin with.

So I shall gently place them back in God's hands.

Reminds me of these verses:

Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and my load is light. Matthew 10:28, 29, 30.

Listening to: 80's music (Kenny Loggins' Footloose at the moment)
Pending assignments: 2

My first post with a pic

Hubby and I bought a digital camera before we went to Regina last week. The main purpose being to post pics here so that everyone can keep up with the Smiths.

Here are some pix of my kiddos as they went to the park yesterday.

Note the snow and winter coats.

I'm tired of the cold.

This interrupted spring is wearing on my nerves. And not just because I have to get all geared up with toque, scarf, and mittens in order to do my papers at 5 a.m. I'm just tired of it.

And what the heck... here's one of hubby from Homecoming last weekend...

Listening to: my fish tank gurgle
Pending assignments: 1

Post #138

Hi. I'm JJ and I'm a recovering perfectionist.

I say recovering because my deep-seated need for and addiction to everyone else's approval is an ongoing struggle. I have good days and bad.

It nearly killed me when I was younger.

I had to be the perfect daughter. The perfect student. The perfect friend. The perfect Christian.

Eventually, the perfect wife.

It was so constraining I felt like I was going to suffocate - having to keep all these judges inside my head happy.

As some of you know, I married stupid when I was 20. The relationship deteriorated rapidly, but I was convinced it was all my fault. My ex-husband convinced me everything was my fault.

And I believed him.

By the time I left I was a walking corpse. I still had a pulse, but there was little about me that was alive.

I wanted so badly to die. I would stand on my ninth floor balcony wondering if that was high enough to end the pain. I'd count out bottles of pills wondering how many it would take.

I was too scared to try. My fear of failure kept me alive.

But my perfectionism kept me from sharing my pain with anyone else. Once in a while my cover would slip, but for the most part I kept my happy face screwed on tight.

I've heard recently of people (several stories from several places) who've been working so hard at keeping up appearances, yet inside they are like a rotting tomb. They've never allowed the inside to match the outside.

As long as everything looked fine on the outside, they played the game. They pretended with their friends and family. Couldn't bear to tell anyone life was one iota less than perfect.

I become more and more testy the more someone tries to convince me they have the perfect marriage with the perfect spouse with the perfect kids who are the best at everything from sports to academics.

Pullllease.

I don't buy it for a moment so stop selling it to me.

Tough part is that no matter how good you are at playing the game (the "I'm so perfect" game), you lose.

Perfectionism will eat you alive and spit you out when it's done. It will destroy everything it touches - your relationships, your family, your marriage, your self esteem, your faith. Trust me. I've been there, done that, wore out the t-shirt.

The stories I've heard have made sad. They are stories of people lying and manipulating and covering up their sin. I wish I could show them that God's grace extends to them. And doesn't depend on us being the perfect friend, parent, or Christian.

Jesus didn't die so we wouldn't have problems. He didn't suffer a horrific death so we could get it all figured out.

He died so that we might enjoy forgiveness of sin. He died so that we could experience the freedom true grace brings.

If your faith doesn't free you, then you're trying too hard to polish the outside. Then you're trying too hard to impress people, to win their approval, to gain people's acceptance rather than trusting in Your Saviour's acceptance.

Sadly, the last thing perfectionism does is decieve us. It gives way to denial. And unfortunately, many don't come back from that. They continue the lie, continue the game and never discover the joy of truly living. In the process they destroy so many lives with their lies.

The saddest part of people like this, isn't their own pain, but the pain they inflict on others.

Perfectionism. I swear it's deadly.

My only prayer is that some of these stories will end with the truth being known to all. Fully and completely.

Listening to: Snow Patrol: Eyes Open
Pending assignments: 1

Anything but normal

Who knew a person could get so little sleep over a weekend and still find it so completely refreshing?

The hubby and I attending his 20 year high school reunion. I learned several things while there:

1. Those closing in on 40 shouldn't stay up past 1 p.m. and still expect to wake up early the next morning.

2. Laughing to your sides and cheeks ache isn't just fun it relieves a great deal of stress and highly recommend it on a regular basis!

3. Every person's life is completely unique and yet more often than not, we experience similar circumstances or life stages. It's those feelings and emotions that we have in common that create a connection. Sometimes I wish we'd spend more time focusing on those common things.

4. It's those relationships and connections that make a person's life rich and fulfilling. More time should be spent fostering and nurturing these precious gifts in our life, than pursuing the worldly stuff we get so wrapped up in.

5. My wonderful, beautiful, yet strange life isn't so strange and is more wonderful than I have ever believed. I shall treasure each day for the gift it is.


Other news...

1. I have decided to stay with my current job. We've experienced a few personnel issues and as a result, if I left the centre it would be left with no one. I just didn't want to leave the centre in such a state. When I leave I want it to be on a high note. I want to walk away with my head held high, with a divine sense of accomplishment.

I had decided the week before that whatever decision I had made, I had to make it for the right reason. I felt this was the best reason of all - stay so that I might continue God's work until he sends along my replacement.

2. Started my paper route this morning. Here's something I bet very few people realize: it is so blessedly peaceful at 5:30 in the morning. I loved every minute of it. I prayed as I strolled along - mainly just lifting my heart to God to praise him for a wonderful weekend of refreshment and all the blessings he has given to me.

3. House hunting is being released to God. We're still prayerfully exploring a few more possibilities, but my job is to keep the main things the main things. It's God's job to take care of the rest.

That's all my thoughts for this lovely, but chilly Monday morning. I have much to do today, so I better get crackin'.

Listening to: Building 429: Rise
Pending assignments: 1

House update

The house hunt is officially over.

It pains me to say this, but the builder wouldn't accept our back up offer. (Is there something wrong with us? Who turns down a back up offer? Do we stink?)

And it was a slim chance the original deal would fall through anyway.

The duplexes Jastek will be offering up for sale next week in Stonebridge start at $260,000 - $270,000. Which is out of our price range.

Our agent called every builder in the city - every one of them is sold out in the under $300,000 range - except Hampton Village.

We looked in Hampton Village, but they also have gone up in price within the last two weeks and now start at $260,000 as well.

So I've said it before (and perhaps I'll say it again): we're officially done. If nothing comes up by the end of next week, we will re-invest our RRSPs and close this chapter in our lives - at least for now.

You'd think I'd have gotten used to the disappointment by now, but it still stings. I am praying God will give me a thankful heart. I want to walk in contentment and peace. I want to cultivate a grateful spirit for all the blessings He has given us.

Listening to: my kids eat popcorn and watch Space: 1999.
Pending assignments: 1

Wednesday waiting and wondering

If you haven't looked outside yet, I'd suggest you go back to bed and give it a few days.

Ick!

Anyway...

No news on any front. I won't hear about the job until late this week and we won't hear about the house until Friday.

When there is news, I will post it. I promise.

So in a few days my life could look drastically different.

Or not.

Who knows? Either way, God is blessing us. And I am determined to walk in His ways through the trials and the blessings.

In the meantime... I am learning patience. Slowly.

Listening to: FREE 100.3
Pending assignments: 0!

No news and so much news

I'm supposed to be working right now on this massively huge assignment, so this post will be short.

House news:
Long story short: we're buying new. Gave up on the resale market and found a new agent. Tomorrow we put our offer in on a house we like in Stonebridge. If that fails we will have to decide between Hampton Village (westside south of the airport) or a new duplex in Stonebridge.

Other news:
I had a job interview last week. I was very excited about it to begin with. Then when I got there I realized it wasn't as flexible as I had hoped.

The job is part time (2-4 days a week) writing newsletters, editing magazines and updating websites for several agricultural associations. I won't hear about it until the end of this week.

I feel like everything is still very up in the air. I hate that feeling.

I have been praying over the last two days, seeking God's face in this areas - asking for his insight, his blessing and his leading.

I will keep you all posted.

Listening to: Building 429: Rise
Pending assignments: 1 (super huge very large feature for the SP - on the Saskatoon Real Estate Board - oh the irony!)

Several things

1. I woke up this morning and apparently it's December again. What's up with that? Spring showers aren't supposed to come in the form of snow.

2. Another day, another house, another offer. Will keep you posted.

3. I'm reading a book on finding balance and finding it such a wonderful blessing. The title is Balance that Works When Life Doesn't. The author tackles both spiritual and physical balance in our lives - which I found a refreshing change for a Christian author. Over the coming days I will share some of the nuggets of truth I have discovered within its pages.

For starters: Take ground on the good days. In other words, on days when you feel strong - make those dietary and fitness changes. On those days when you're busting with energy step outside your comfort zone - go a little further, do a little more. This applies to physical disciplines and spiritual ones as well. Then on the days when you are bone tired and the most you can muster for a prayer time is to lift your gaze to heaven, you can still feel like you're making progress.

Another one: You are God's very precious treasure. Everything you do matters to Him because He loves you. Meditate on that one for a while and see if it impacts your outlook on life.

4. I'm learning to count my blessings. Here a few I enjoyed this morning so far:

• The beautiful hue of the sky as the sun rose. The clouds were a delightful pale golden pink. God wakes up every morning and paints the sky just to show me how much He loves me.
• I got to walk my kids to the bus this morning and we had fun slipping on the ice under all the snow. It's quite the dance you can do as you try to keep your balance.
• The sunlight pouring through my windows at work. We are blessed with very large windows here.
• The piles of clothing donations that were here when I got here today. God bless people for sharing what they have with others. That must make God smile.
• I have enjoyed the quiet time at work, just praying and praising God. That must make Him smile, too.

Listening to: Free 100.3 (I'm at work)
Assignments pending: 1

Bummed

The offer was not accepted. The sellers accepted a higher offer. This was not unexpected, but still disappointing.

Still the day wasn't totally depressing. I am now the paper boy for the surrounding two blocks.

Weird, I know. But I took it on, so that my son can inherit the route at some point. And since we are not moving anywhere anytime soon... I figured why not?

I also have other news I will post about later in the week. (Don't want to jinx it!)

Listening to: Space 1999
Pending assignments: 1

Offer made...

Now we wait. Our hopes are not high. We realize the very best offer we could pull together isn't going to be enough to get us this house.

And that's ok. Something else will come along.

We are discouraged for the moment, but not without hope.

Blogging

Thank you for all the kind responses to my tumultuous Wednesday. Wait no... that was Thursday. Sigh.

Anyway, thank you.

The purpose for me sharing these kinds of posts is to show the process of temporarily giving in to despair and then finding your senses again. The process of dealing with the everyday frustrations of life.

Being a Christian doesn't make a person immune to moments of self-pity and despair. I'm certainly not, anyway!

But I hope by sharing these raw experiences others can find something useful for themselves. Not because I'm so great, but because He is. He's the foundation we can stand on. No matter what, no matter when. Every time.

Listening to: CBC Kids
Pending assignments: 1

Good news, bad news and other news

Good news: I have two fabulous children! I know this because my children's teachers told me so this morning. As though there was any doubt in my mind...

Bad news: Saw house this a.m. Loved the area. Hated the house. My rule: do not buy a house with cracks in walls, ceilings and/or water damage around all upstairs windows and the ceiling of basement.

Depression moved in. Despair followed.

Badder news: Car died.

Not the kind of sudden dying where you know if you just boost the stupid thing everything will be right as rain.

No... the kind of slow painful death where you know something is wrong, but the soonest you can get it into the shop is tomorrow morning but you have to drive it anyway even though it chugs and sputters and coughs only to have the 'CHECK ENGINE' light come on and suddenly by God's grace the mechanics have an opening today and by another act of God's grace the person who had booked the loaner car didn't show up so you get to take it so you won't be carless while the mechanics diagnose the problem.

I do not possess the spiritual gift of prophecy or foreknowledge, but my personal prediction is the bill will exceed the worth of the car. By A LOT. I honestly believe this car is done. Toast. To quote N'Sync... Bye, bye bye...

Do you doubt me?

Wouldn't that require a colossal change in the wind of luck which lately seems hell-bent on our destruction?

And the likelihood of that happening is...?

Yeah. Thought so.

Depression and despair made themselves cozy.

Other news: house came up in our area. Absolutely gorgeous! Couldn't list all the things I love about it. Completely decked out.

Question: does it even matter now? Can we afford it? What about after the car bleeds us dry, can we afford it then?

Answer: dunno. But I do know Who has the answers, right?

I'm on my knees beating down His door right now with tears streaming down my face, but all I can manage to sputter out is "Help".

There is a lot of stress in my life right now. More than I can detail here.

In the midst of all this turmoil, how can I find God's peace? How can I hear his voice? I know He desire to bless me. And I so often I settle for second best when His best is waiting for me.

Where is the line between taking a leap of faith and a jump of stupidity?

Good news: I don't even know what to pray anymore.

Thankfully, God knows what we need before we do. So I know He is working at these things in His own time. He's working upstream in our lives. I can feel it. There is a blessing in all this somewhere. I know it!

Gave depression and despair a kick in the butt!

UPDATE #1:

Gooder news: Repairs to car: $240. Knowing you don't have to dip (further) into credit to make your vehicle driveable: priceless!

Happily willing to eat crow on this one! I was way off.

God is so good! He is looking after us. Thankfully I set aside a certain part of every paycheque specifically for car repairs. (I have learned from experience: when the car runs set aside money for when it doesn't!)

And guess what? The amount in there right now nicely covers this unexpected expense. God bless our car repair account! You have no idea how many times this account has save our ass!

In the meantime, I got an assignment from Canwest. The amount of the assignment also covers the amount of this car expense. When God is good... He's really good!


Listening to: my kids play
Assignments pending: none for the moment... thank the good Lord up above! UPDATE: now 1!

Prayer request

A house just came up. Sounds very juicy. Location and specs we want.

Please pray.

We're going to be moving very quickly on this. Our offer won't even be subject to conditions of financing. (Holy crap, batman!)

In addition, we'll be throwing as much money as we can at it.

Please, God, please... let this be the one!

In other news...

I'm at home with a sick kid today. I'm also not feeling well. Huge headache.


Listening to: Kids CBC
Pending assignments: 1

Interesting request

I just received an email asking me to judge a non-fiction writing contest.

What an interesting challenge. Someone wants my opinion of their work.

Tres cool.

Listening to: nothing
Pending assignments: as of a few minutes ago... 1

Monday morning musings

A dear sister of mine shared with me recently her doubts and fears. She's questioning whether God really cares about her and her situation.

My heart ached as I pondered her story and I found tears welling up in my eyes. It was like she'd opened my skull and copied down the thoughts that have droned on day in and day out.

I've watched my own dreams whither and die. It seems I no longer have the strength to keep them alive some days. I'm too busy just trying to keep up with my life.

I, too, have wondered if God's promises for blessing and protection are for someone else and not me.

Why do some people achieve their dreams in a heartbeat while the rest of watch as ours sail further and further away?

Does God reward some? Punish others? Is it just random? Or are some people destined to always pay a price for just being in the wrong place at the wrong time? Or never being in the right place at the right time?

I don't know the answers. Not today. I believe that God is working upstream in my life and in my sister's life. Yet it does seem some days like it's waaay upstream.

In the meantime, it's hard not to grow bitter at the injustice of it all, you know?

And what's the cure for bitterness? Anger? Frustration? Continual disappointment?

I know what the fruit of these things are. But how do you cure it? How do you stop it?

I've spent the last several days trying to focus my attention on cultivating an attitude of gratitude. Sounds cheesy and oh so Oprah!, and so far I've only had moments of reprieve.

I admit I can't fight it alone, but instead I ask for the strength of Christ to help me.

But it's a struggle.

For some reason, I find it so encouraging that my sister has some of the same struggles. Perhaps we can both find the relief we need as we lift each other up in prayer.


Listening to: Greg Sczebel: Here to Stay
Pending assignments: 2

The yearly thaw and sneeze

1. Spring has sprung! For the moment anyway. I've lived here too long to truly trust that spring is here to stay until roughly May. While I welcome the wonderful reprieve from cold, snow and ice, I have not enjoyed what comes with it...

Allergies.

Snow mold. I don't know what it is or even if it exists. I only know when the snow starts melting I want to claw my eyes out of my skull and rub my nose right off my face.

Last night I was hit with an attack that had me sneezing and sniffling and rubbing my eyes. Eventually my eyes felt like someone had poured sand into them. It felt like they should make an audible scraping noise when I blinked.

Gross.

I ended up taking an Advil cold and sinus caplet (wonderful stuff!), and I was able to breathe and stop sneezing long enough to make muffins with Mikaela. The family also played a couple of games of UNO before bed.

When I woke up this morning I felt great. Tired, but I expected that. No matter how long you sleep after an allergy attack like that you always feel drained after.

Well, that great feeling was short lived. My throat is raw, my eyes are puffy and red again and I'm started to sneeze. I've also gotten more and more stuffed up as the morning wears on...

I'm going to take something now...

I'm so excited spring is here! Snow is melting. Just let me grab my tissues and allergy meds so I can enjoy it!

2. Still trying to buy a house. At this point we're just going through the motions. I'm convinced there is no hope of us getting a house in this market.

We are considering making an offer on a house this weekend. Which will most likely be an exercise in futility.

3. Busy weekend with house hunting, birthday parties, BIL visiting from Regina, fixing a flat tire, and all the other household duties that arrive on the weekend. So I better keep moving...!

Listening to: newsboys: Go (seriously if you haven't purchased this album... do it soon!)
Pending assignments: 2