Post #138

Hi. I'm JJ and I'm a recovering perfectionist.

I say recovering because my deep-seated need for and addiction to everyone else's approval is an ongoing struggle. I have good days and bad.

It nearly killed me when I was younger.

I had to be the perfect daughter. The perfect student. The perfect friend. The perfect Christian.

Eventually, the perfect wife.

It was so constraining I felt like I was going to suffocate - having to keep all these judges inside my head happy.

As some of you know, I married stupid when I was 20. The relationship deteriorated rapidly, but I was convinced it was all my fault. My ex-husband convinced me everything was my fault.

And I believed him.

By the time I left I was a walking corpse. I still had a pulse, but there was little about me that was alive.

I wanted so badly to die. I would stand on my ninth floor balcony wondering if that was high enough to end the pain. I'd count out bottles of pills wondering how many it would take.

I was too scared to try. My fear of failure kept me alive.

But my perfectionism kept me from sharing my pain with anyone else. Once in a while my cover would slip, but for the most part I kept my happy face screwed on tight.

I've heard recently of people (several stories from several places) who've been working so hard at keeping up appearances, yet inside they are like a rotting tomb. They've never allowed the inside to match the outside.

As long as everything looked fine on the outside, they played the game. They pretended with their friends and family. Couldn't bear to tell anyone life was one iota less than perfect.

I become more and more testy the more someone tries to convince me they have the perfect marriage with the perfect spouse with the perfect kids who are the best at everything from sports to academics.

Pullllease.

I don't buy it for a moment so stop selling it to me.

Tough part is that no matter how good you are at playing the game (the "I'm so perfect" game), you lose.

Perfectionism will eat you alive and spit you out when it's done. It will destroy everything it touches - your relationships, your family, your marriage, your self esteem, your faith. Trust me. I've been there, done that, wore out the t-shirt.

The stories I've heard have made sad. They are stories of people lying and manipulating and covering up their sin. I wish I could show them that God's grace extends to them. And doesn't depend on us being the perfect friend, parent, or Christian.

Jesus didn't die so we wouldn't have problems. He didn't suffer a horrific death so we could get it all figured out.

He died so that we might enjoy forgiveness of sin. He died so that we could experience the freedom true grace brings.

If your faith doesn't free you, then you're trying too hard to polish the outside. Then you're trying too hard to impress people, to win their approval, to gain people's acceptance rather than trusting in Your Saviour's acceptance.

Sadly, the last thing perfectionism does is decieve us. It gives way to denial. And unfortunately, many don't come back from that. They continue the lie, continue the game and never discover the joy of truly living. In the process they destroy so many lives with their lies.

The saddest part of people like this, isn't their own pain, but the pain they inflict on others.

Perfectionism. I swear it's deadly.

My only prayer is that some of these stories will end with the truth being known to all. Fully and completely.

Listening to: Snow Patrol: Eyes Open
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